11.29.11 When you call you ex a cunt say it like you mean it/8

Hmm so here I sit in on my bed writing this and going back and forth on match.com with some ass who just told me to take a hike cause I wouldn’t give him my number after 2 emails. I’m sitting in my room avoiding my ex, up until literally 4 days ago we were exes no longer in love, transitioned to friends with a really healthy and honest love and respect for each other.  Now getting here was like slicing your nipple off slowly with a rust nailclipper but I recently thought “we’re here and I’m really proud of us”.

Insert needle scratching across the record here…..LOUDLY.  It all started Sat night when she returned from St Louis where she is from it seemed like literally over the course of a few days of her being gone someone set our clock back 6 months where it was constant screaming, fighting, defensiveness, distrust and pain. Welcome back misery cause it seems you have been lonely.

Things happened so quickly and escalated before I knew what was happening the pinnacle of our arguement being her telling me that I needed to run it by her first before having the guy I was dating over for dinner.  Bitch please.

I don’t want some strange dude all over our house, didn’t you think you should ask me? run it by me first? find out if I was ok with it? ”  What the fuck is she saying? is she telling me I can pay ALL the bills covering her ass and half the rent and not have someone over??    “How do you think I feel knowing there was some guy in our house on the couch that was our couch that we used to lay on and in the bed that used to be our bed?”  Insert louder needle scratching across the record….. Uh that isn’t our bed it’s my bed and it’s none of your buisness who I have in it.  From there on out the conversation goes down hill she accuses me of “poking at her and judging her”   I accuse her of being the shittiest friend in the world because she is blowing me off for 3 events/plans we had in Decemeber .  “Things are different now because I have Alicia” she says.  I’m thinking the only thing different is that suddenly you are nuts again being uber bitch and being reactive to anything and everything that comes out of my mouth.

After hours of arguing she admits it to some degree however it is always followed up with a “BUT YOU……”  now that’s  language one uses in an attempt to resolve matters right?   I’m not innocent I don’t think I poke at her but I certainly speak my mind and it drives her literally insane she wishes she could stop me, she wishes the things I said didn’t have a grain of truth but they do and probably why they piss her off.  B ut I’m not your mother that isn’t my issue it’s yours maybe you need to go back to therapy but when you compare me to your mother that is not our current reality.   This makes her mad really mad. She tells me how much she “doesn’t like me” and I feel like I am arguing with one of the preschoolers when they get mad because I have made them go to circle time only when they scream and whine “I don’t like you anymore” I say “but I still like you”.    Half of me wanted to condesendingly say this to my ex but the truth is I don’t really like her not like this.  In the end I am exhausted, crying, in shock and frustration I text F the guy I just broke up with that I am now friends with …..” kill me now”  he responds immediately  offers his support “come meet me out and tell me about it”……for a moment it is although he has literally swooped in on white horse and rescused me not from her but from myself and what I might normally do -keep arguing.

I leave my house at 1am in the morning and meet him out at a bar, he is well on his way to getting trashed and wants me to catch up. We drink, we talk, we drink, we talk , we drink, we laugh, we drink , we tease each other. I pour him out of the bar into my car strangely enough I’m not drunk, buzzed but its like those moments when you pace yourself so you’re not as fucked up as you should be but it doesn’t matter too much he lives one block down from the bar. 4am and I get him out of the car and we go up to his apartment he goes straight into the bathroom and I make him eggs. I make him a plate I open him up a diet coke and get him some water. I check on him several times but he won’t or can’t come out of the bathroom no matter how much I call or knock.

When I yell from the front room I’m leaving he comes out.  He hugs me goodbye I tell him I cooked for him and he thanks me. I tell him to please please not drink that much especially when he is by himself, I tell him I worry about him and he thanks me and says he knows it’s not good. It makes my heartache literally to see someone who has so much to offer seem so sad. I don’t know if it’s sadness but when you get that fucked up it seems like sadness.  I tell him the same things the next day via text I tell him that he or we need to find alternate activities rather than olympic drinking when he has Sunday off and doesn’t have his girls.  He agrees I ask him to promise me and he tells me he hates to break promises so he only tells me that he will try.

Sunday I get home around 5 am plan to get up by 9 and go to the pub to watch a soccer game with friends and my niece, that never happens. I’m dead ass tired but still muster the strength to fight with my ex and text back and forth with F while I do it.  As she goes to leave which she always does I say  Can I ask you something?  she stops and looks at me pissed off and with disdain and I ask……. Why do yo have to be such a little cunt?………………………… I’m so filled with contempt for her it doesn’t even bother me that I said that, I mean it, I mean it like she’s the cuntiest, cunt fucker cunthead in the world I mean in the cuntworld.

I mean it when I said it. I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m hurt, I’m confused, I’m let down, I feel like the trust I had in what I thought our friendship was has been betrayed and I still don’t know why.  Was it cause I had F over and yes we laid on the couch that used to be our couch?

I’ve lived here 5 years,  part of that time with an fiancee well before I met her.   On that couch “our couch” as she puts it I have been a very bad girl with several guys, it was MY COUCH, I bought it, I fucked on it, I slept on it, I cried on it, I ate my dinner sitting on it, I watched my TV sitting on it.  My couch and all the same things with MY BED.  Yes I did lay and eat and watch movies on that couch with F Thanksgiving night we fooled around a little on it before moving to MY BED where we performed various sex acts on each other till almost the moment he had to leave to go home and pick up his kids.

In that moment she was a cunt to me. Later when she came back and when we talked and she brought it up I realized I felt bad probably in some part for calling her that because I knew out of all the words I could pick that one would cut the deepest. More so I felt like shit for turning into the kind of person that does that.  I don’t think she could see it because I hide my true feelings well but my heart, spirit and soul felt flushed with shame. I felt like I sold out, I felt like some faliure in my quest to be a good, kind loving person.  It was a low note for me, a very low note,  to think that a person who I loved so much once in my life, that I would talk to so terribly.  I hate that feeling- it sticks with you all day the only escape is sleep.  When I called her a cunt I meant it I really did, I was mad, after that when I wasn’t mad anymore I just felt mean. Mean people suck.

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