life

#25 Heartbreak Rehab

Everyone of us has been there, fighting, unraveling, fighting, distance, fighting, disconnect, fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, over. The usual milestones become your heartbreak landmarks, if you are the one being broken up with your pain comes immediately as opposed to the person breaking up whose pain comes later. I was the one being broken up with so that’s what I will write about.

In my younger days I lacked compassion, understanding and at times kindness. I was quick to walk away from people mostly relationships, quick to find flaws and short comings and quicker to decide I wouldn’t put up with it. How times have changed, I’m a little older, wiser and more loving. I learned to be compassionate, I learned to love unconditionally and I learned to accept the person for who they are and where they are. The problem is I keep picking people who aren’t able to offer me that same level of commitment and emotional maturity.

The first of the two recent breakups with the same guy lead way to the same healing process. Cry, tell friends, cry, YOGA, listen to sad music, YOGA, cry, MEDITATE, talk with friends. Suddenly you have an awakening, it comes one day, unexpectedly, like a fire alarm that is pulled at an elementary school. Sadness turns into… ANGER… RAGE….DESTRUCTION….
Your script is rewritten from “I loved him so much, I miss him or I miss how he….” to

“THAT FUCKIN PIECE OF SHIT PUSSY ASS WEAK SELFISH NO MONEY HAVING SCARED AFRAID OF LIFE NOT SHOWING UP FOR ME MOTHER FUCKER”, or something like that.

After turning that corner you become a woman on mission posting things on your Instagram like “A weak man can’t love a strong woman, he doesn’t know what to do with her.” While at this moment it makes me laugh that I would post such a thing, I was pissed and in the moment, trying to, from a distance, flip him the bird. I packed his shit and sent it off, I began slowly deleting him from my life. I find more odds and ends of his and quickly box them up and send it off.

“FUCK HIM, WEAK, WEAK, WEAK, can’t stand up for himself at work, didn’t paint his kitchen for 5 year left it in disarray, needing reassurance 24 mother fuckin’ 7, letting himself be led around by the opinions other have of him, only able to relate to someone when he is being a people pleaser god damn unmotivated wanna be one of the cool kids high school nerd complex having semi grown up fuck.”

Fast forward to my rehab. Now today I am happy really genuinely happy I wasn’t before but now I see how wrong he was, how unhappy I was and other discoveries about who he really was and what we really had as opposed to what I wanted and what we were pretending to establish.

In breakup rehab you can do a lot of things, some people write songs, poetry, travel, get a fuck buddy, meditate, drink, get depressed etc. My poison? is to write. Write it down, get it out, talk about myself and him in the most transparent way I can. I will be writing using the questions I received in meditation. To examine myself and the bigger picture. I learned a lot during our time together, our brief two week break up, our 3 month reconciliation and second breakup. I have never been so vulnerable in any other relationship in my life. That is hard, that is brave, that is scary. It was good even though I had heartache in the end. I dared to be raw, I dared to love unconditionally, I dared to give wholeheartedly. I am proud of myself for that. I tried to fix it, I tried to convince him not to give up and I gave all I could.

In the end it is best that he still left because I should never have to convince anyone…anyone to want to fight for me, for my love, for my heart. Did you hear that ladies? NEVER CONVINCE ANYONE TO FIGHT FOR YOU. My healing has started and I explore myself, not so much about him, or always about our relationship but rather me.

Over the next few weeks I will think, reflect and explore the following questions that I received from a teacher. This teacher is someone I practice meditation with and while I would normally refer to him as a GURU he prefers guide. Below are the questions from my guide that I will ponder/encourage you to ponder if you have your own rehab program to work for any reason.

1. What is great about my life right now? What am I missing?

2. If I had all the money (resources, love) what would I be doing on a daily basis?

3. What is my prime motivation now? What is holding me back?

4. What part of my heart am I listening to? What am I blocking?

5. What are my joys in life? What do I feel sad about? What am I angry about?

6. What am I shameful about? What am I guilty about?

7. How do I feel about my sexuality? What is enjoyable? What is missing?

8. What are some beautiful memories? What do I want to forget?

9. What drives me? What is holding me back?

10. What keeps coming back to me? Good things? Bad things?

11. How worthy do I feel about being loved and receiving affection?

12. How do I feel about my friends and family now? What is enjoyable? What is missing?

13. Who am I judging? Who is judging me? Who do I need to forgive? What should I forgive about myself?

Taking the plunge head first, I’ll learn how to swim in the process.

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4/1/12 Breathing is not optional/15

Chest pain….breathe……pain in my lungs…..hard to breathe…..nauseous… gasp….ouch….ugh…….gasp…..

I’m fighting the feeling of wanting to puke, my chest hurts, I’m holding something in, it wants to explode it wants to release,  it’s literally building up in my throat, I can’t breathe, the words are hardly coming out……

Yes, Yes, I’ll call the lawyer tonight and leave my information tonight and follow up on Monday. The conversation fades in and out of my ear my sister is saying things but I’m not hearing it all,  just ….Lawyer, call, money, just us sisters, not mom…….

My sister Lucy called me and I missed the call, for some reason I just felt a weird sick response, my sister calls sometimes but this time the missed call made me feel weird made me feel like something was happening.  I took a deep breath and peed siting on the toilet I was thinking that it might be my mother, that this might be the, THE CALL that is the one that ends the existence of my parents on this earth.  I’ve been through it before when my niece had to tell me my dad died.  I picked up the phone and dialed my sister Lucy….waiting waiting waiting CALL FAILED, shit this damn service if I had to call and ambulance to save my life TMOBILE would see to it that I would die before receiving help.  I dial again CALL FAILED, I turn off my phone and turn it on again, dial and wait as I stretch my arm up hoping that will help. I hear a ringing.

Hello?

Hi it’s me what’s up?

I called you earlier and left a message

Yeah I know what’s going on?

How are you?

I’m good what did you need?

Betty called me and she wants your address and phone number, I don’t know if you are talking to her….her voice fades

Yeah I am talking to her why does she want to my address

I don’t know

ok.

I can call her and give her that information or you can….. she interrupts,   I would just just prefer if you call her

(I am assuming she has mail that needs to be forwarded to me) What does she need it for?

You should just call her and talk to her

This is now beginning to sound ominous. We talk about possible Easter plans and she invites a boyfriend that I am no longer dating I say no but I appreciate that she has extended the offer to him. He would probably come if I asked him to he is like that.  We wrap up the conversation with a promise to touch base on times for Easter.

Dial my sister Betty it rings and my brother-in-law picks up I say hi and ask for my sister. She gets on the phone and we exchange pleasantries and then I say Lucy said you needed my address what’s up? She begins to explain.

We got lawyer and he is working on claiming Tony’s 401k  for us, if we don’t claim it the state will keep it and it will be lost.  This doesn’t include the nieces or mom just us. Just us girls, just the sisters.  It’s been over a year so the creditors can’t touch it but if we don’t act now the state will get it.  So we have to claim it and he needs each one of ours information.

Ok I say and repeat the information back making sure I understood everything. I say for us? for the sisters right? she says yes and says again not for mom in a way that tells me she doesn’t want her to know. She says  “I don’t know if you are talking to her..” I interrupt “No, I’m not” she says “good I don’t want her getting involved”. I say everyone’s names out loud again to confirm I ask if she has spoken to my sisters. She says yes.

She gives me the run down and the information of the person I need to call and I have a sick feeling creeping up I can’t get off the phone fast enough.  The second I do it all comes pouring through.  I begin sobbing, I feel like I’m going to be sick all over the kitchen, my head pounds, my chest tightens, I sob and wail harder and harder and harder.  I walk to a chair in the front room and with my elbows on my knees I cover my face and cry into the mask of my hands. Tears and snot drip from my face, I feel like I can’t breath, my chest feels tight, my ear hurts, I feel dizzy, I’m loud, I cover my eyes with the backs of my hands and gasp for a breath, it’s hard to breath, my chest hurts, I get up to walk toward the bathroom my hands on the walls keeping me balanced and upright as I walk, entering the bathroom I lean over the sink and cry harder and louder I slide to the floor and struggle to catch my breath between sobs.  I feel like throwing up I feel like I’m having a heart attack, I feel like the day I finally let the grief out and allowed myself to mourn the death of my brother.  This time the difference is that I physically feel ill, I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel like my chest is tight, I feel like I need to throw up and I can’t stop crying, loud and hard.  My hands and arms twist around covering my eyes, face head and chest at times.  I can’t make it stop. I can’t make myself stop and I don’t know why this is all coming crashing back in this way. I feel so dizzy I think I might have to go to the hospital, I struggle to breath and think I maybe hyperventilating.  Several minutes go by like this and I can’t regain control or calm myself. 15 minutes feels like 15 hours.

Why? this reaction? I’m not even exactly sure. My niece had a meltdown when she inherited money that my brother had left her she felt guilty, bad or undeserving that she should have this because the reason she was getting it was his death.  I don’t think I understood it when she told me, I knew it made her sad but I didn’t understand the depth of that. It’s hard for me to feel good about this at all on any level, it’s hard for me to think about this, it makes me feel like I’m right back at square on with the progress I’ve made in moving forward after his death.  I never suspected that all those wounds would be ripped open like this again from such and event.

The last 2 days more of his songs have came on and I skipped through them rather than listen through them I always believe he is around me and trying to communicate with me but I rushed those songs through and didn’t listen and today he was finally heard.

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3/7/12 From Hell to Heaven in a day /13

At 4am amid racing thoughts about me, my second time around relationship attempt with F, my estranged relationship with my mother and the journey to really learn how to take risk, open up, be vulnerable to others and to be able to accept the love that others have for me and can and want to give me I went from one extreme to another on this day March 7th, I began the day crying literally sobbing in saddness typing madly on my Blackberry an email to my therapist and ended the day crying with laughter and love typing madly on my laptop a dialogue to my friends……..here are my extremes.

Because I didn’t have a nurturing parent-who hugged, consoled me when I was hurt, in pain or struggling I learned to convince myself that I didn’t need it I probably had to because I wasn’t getting it. Even more so began to believe or tell myself it was weak or pathetic to require such hand holding, or to have such dependency on someone.  Rather because I did it all for myself I thought that’s how it should always be, internal rather than external.  Now dating Fred I’m realizing what I need in a relationship-I need that support, that kind of love, I need to feel watched over, taken care of, protected, helped, and nurtured, I need a safe place to land at the end of the day.  I used to think it was such bullshit when woman needed that because I thought they weren’t independent or self-sufficient, strong, smart, wise or capable if they had to depend on others for strength, happiness, courage or support.
I conditioned myself to be able to go without seeking that, getting that or worse yet conditioned myself to not accept that from people who loved me. I never realized or understood how distant that made me from others and how I was denying myself the opportunity to be loved.  I hope to find a man that holds my heart gently, kindly and lovingly.  Someone who can hold me in their arms when I’m sad and in that moment make me feel safe.  I once remember us talking about me having to self sooth while in my last relationship. I think what know now is that I am capable of it, I’ve done it my entire life no one has ever whisked me up in their arms or come to my rescue during a weak or hard or scary moment.   I can do it but I’m so fucking tired of doing it, I’m tired of taking care of everything myself and not having that partner in my corner who is there when I need them.  I’m not blaming all past loves, on some levels they may have not been capable themselves of giving it to me but I never allowed them to love me like this either.


I think about when you said we are the little girl in relationships that hurt vulnerable scared child that craves what our hot shot competent take no prisoners alter adult ego does not.  I’ve never really acknowledged the little girl in me, I ignored her and didn’t pay attention to her just as my mother did. I denied her needs to basically make it through the day, for the past 20 something years.
She deserves to have her needs met just as I deserved as a child, just because she never had that doesn’t have to mean she never can.  She doesn’t have to take care of herself all by herself all the time, she doesn’t have to take care or her older siblings, she doesn’t have to keep everyone in line, be the voice of reason or set the family straight.   She has a right to be cared for and to feel like the little sister not the oldest sister or person in charge of everything.  She doesn’t have to always be the one to get the group gift, cook the dinner, make the phone call, send the text and she can feel ok about that knowing that she deserves to be important enough to someone else instead to receive all those things from them.

INSERT HEAVY HEARTED DAY WHERE MY EMOTIONS WERE BARELY UNDER THE SURFACE AND I WAS JUST A MESS IN GENERAL LEADING ME TO THE END OF MY DAY WHEN THINGS BEGAN TO TURN AROUND.

This email was entitled  Why Teaching Makes me Happy:

I’m going on my 4th hour of straight testing, stuck in my cave office, pounding headache mostly because when the kids read aloud they feel the need to read as though they are in a wind tunnel, or as I type this a student is going on 30 min of humming the “Star Wars” theme. Regardless I as always have another conversation that will bring a smile to your face I know it did mine.

L: Ms A, you know who’s awesome?

Me: Who?

L: You! try and remember that ok?

Me: Yeah thanks Leo (smiling big)

L: You should say it to yourself in the morning everyday don’t forget it (as he winks and points his finger at me)

Me: (Laughing)–Yes that’s a great idea I should do that more often, I will try

L: I’m just saying maybe make it your ringtone, if you think about it

Me:(Laughing harder) –I can’t think of a better idea, thank you Leo that’s really nice of you to say you have made my day for sure

L:Yeeeeah, I like giving compliments to my teachers, makes me feel all warm and tingly kinda like under my ribs

Me: That’s an interesting reaction, I can see that you enjoy making people feel good, we are lucky to have you as our student I’m really gonna miss you next year

L: Yeah……(short silence)………I’ll come visit, hey did you know I’m really good at those “that’s what she said jokes?”

Me: Great but maybe those aren’t appropriate for school but I will look forward to your visits, but I really need you to focus and get back to work now

L: Easy peasey lemon squeezy

3 min of Silence he works on a couple questions and suddenly speaks up again

L: I like you

Me: laughing to the point now where I begin to cry THANK YOU L! Thank you so much for telling me that it really makes me feel good about being your teacher. (I have to take off my glasses and wipe my eyes)

L: Hey what does optimistic mean?

Me: It means having a good attitude, so if your are having a bad day you can think “tomorrow is gonna be much better”

L: Oooooh like you do??

Me: I try (laughing harder to the point I start coughing) to which Leo pats me on the back and says……

wait for it …….wait for it…… “GO AHEAD SISTA, LET IT ALLLLLLL OUT”

Me: L you rock!!!

L: Awwww Ms. A I’m flattered to get a compliment from a woman like you-Zing! right in the heart.

Later he proceeds to burp recalling the taste of chips from his lunch…..ahhhhhhh what more could I hope for today!!!! : )

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