hardship

#25 Heartbreak Rehab

Everyone of us has been there, fighting, unraveling, fighting, distance, fighting, disconnect, fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, over. The usual milestones become your heartbreak landmarks, if you are the one being broken up with your pain comes immediately as opposed to the person breaking up whose pain comes later. I was the one being broken up with so that’s what I will write about.

In my younger days I lacked compassion, understanding and at times kindness. I was quick to walk away from people mostly relationships, quick to find flaws and short comings and quicker to decide I wouldn’t put up with it. How times have changed, I’m a little older, wiser and more loving. I learned to be compassionate, I learned to love unconditionally and I learned to accept the person for who they are and where they are. The problem is I keep picking people who aren’t able to offer me that same level of commitment and emotional maturity.

The first of the two recent breakups with the same guy lead way to the same healing process. Cry, tell friends, cry, YOGA, listen to sad music, YOGA, cry, MEDITATE, talk with friends. Suddenly you have an awakening, it comes one day, unexpectedly, like a fire alarm that is pulled at an elementary school. Sadness turns into… ANGER… RAGE….DESTRUCTION….
Your script is rewritten from “I loved him so much, I miss him or I miss how he….” to

“THAT FUCKIN PIECE OF SHIT PUSSY ASS WEAK SELFISH NO MONEY HAVING SCARED AFRAID OF LIFE NOT SHOWING UP FOR ME MOTHER FUCKER”, or something like that.

After turning that corner you become a woman on mission posting things on your Instagram like “A weak man can’t love a strong woman, he doesn’t know what to do with her.” While at this moment it makes me laugh that I would post such a thing, I was pissed and in the moment, trying to, from a distance, flip him the bird. I packed his shit and sent it off, I began slowly deleting him from my life. I find more odds and ends of his and quickly box them up and send it off.

“FUCK HIM, WEAK, WEAK, WEAK, can’t stand up for himself at work, didn’t paint his kitchen for 5 year left it in disarray, needing reassurance 24 mother fuckin’ 7, letting himself be led around by the opinions other have of him, only able to relate to someone when he is being a people pleaser god damn unmotivated wanna be one of the cool kids high school nerd complex having semi grown up fuck.”

Fast forward to my rehab. Now today I am happy really genuinely happy I wasn’t before but now I see how wrong he was, how unhappy I was and other discoveries about who he really was and what we really had as opposed to what I wanted and what we were pretending to establish.

In breakup rehab you can do a lot of things, some people write songs, poetry, travel, get a fuck buddy, meditate, drink, get depressed etc. My poison? is to write. Write it down, get it out, talk about myself and him in the most transparent way I can. I will be writing using the questions I received in meditation. To examine myself and the bigger picture. I learned a lot during our time together, our brief two week break up, our 3 month reconciliation and second breakup. I have never been so vulnerable in any other relationship in my life. That is hard, that is brave, that is scary. It was good even though I had heartache in the end. I dared to be raw, I dared to love unconditionally, I dared to give wholeheartedly. I am proud of myself for that. I tried to fix it, I tried to convince him not to give up and I gave all I could.

In the end it is best that he still left because I should never have to convince anyone…anyone to want to fight for me, for my love, for my heart. Did you hear that ladies? NEVER CONVINCE ANYONE TO FIGHT FOR YOU. My healing has started and I explore myself, not so much about him, or always about our relationship but rather me.

Over the next few weeks I will think, reflect and explore the following questions that I received from a teacher. This teacher is someone I practice meditation with and while I would normally refer to him as a GURU he prefers guide. Below are the questions from my guide that I will ponder/encourage you to ponder if you have your own rehab program to work for any reason.

1. What is great about my life right now? What am I missing?

2. If I had all the money (resources, love) what would I be doing on a daily basis?

3. What is my prime motivation now? What is holding me back?

4. What part of my heart am I listening to? What am I blocking?

5. What are my joys in life? What do I feel sad about? What am I angry about?

6. What am I shameful about? What am I guilty about?

7. How do I feel about my sexuality? What is enjoyable? What is missing?

8. What are some beautiful memories? What do I want to forget?

9. What drives me? What is holding me back?

10. What keeps coming back to me? Good things? Bad things?

11. How worthy do I feel about being loved and receiving affection?

12. How do I feel about my friends and family now? What is enjoyable? What is missing?

13. Who am I judging? Who is judging me? Who do I need to forgive? What should I forgive about myself?

Taking the plunge head first, I’ll learn how to swim in the process.

0 CommentsLeave a comment

8/15/12 The long and winding road #16

This indeed has been along road I have traveled. When I first starting writing this blog I was getting over two majoy deaths in my family and a major break up and the death of my dog.  Lately I have been wondering what is next in life but rather than worry about my future I will now just really discuss and write about my present.  That will basically involve funny or not so funny stories about my friends some new some old, soccer games, work and last but not least my dating life which has consisted of an almost date with a vampire but I just couldn’t go through with it and a date with an unexpected “lifestyles” expert….yes it’s what you think.  Before I move on to a very different flavor of stories I want to thank a few people who I love and who have been or who are a big part of my life and were there when I needed support the most.

Mary C, Kellie L, Nizzi, Gabriela V, my vet, my ex at times, my second ex after “the” ex, a yoga teacher, my boxing coach, Clarke, Smitty, Dawn C, Unz, Psher, Lucy, TBear, Becks even through her own battles, any book written by Susan Jeffers. You all are my blessings in life thank you.

0 CommentsLeave a comment

waiting

waiting

Time to move on…………

0 CommentsLeave a comment

4/1/12 Breathing is not optional/15

Chest pain….breathe……pain in my lungs…..hard to breathe…..nauseous… gasp….ouch….ugh…….gasp…..

I’m fighting the feeling of wanting to puke, my chest hurts, I’m holding something in, it wants to explode it wants to release,  it’s literally building up in my throat, I can’t breathe, the words are hardly coming out……

Yes, Yes, I’ll call the lawyer tonight and leave my information tonight and follow up on Monday. The conversation fades in and out of my ear my sister is saying things but I’m not hearing it all,  just ….Lawyer, call, money, just us sisters, not mom…….

My sister Lucy called me and I missed the call, for some reason I just felt a weird sick response, my sister calls sometimes but this time the missed call made me feel weird made me feel like something was happening.  I took a deep breath and peed siting on the toilet I was thinking that it might be my mother, that this might be the, THE CALL that is the one that ends the existence of my parents on this earth.  I’ve been through it before when my niece had to tell me my dad died.  I picked up the phone and dialed my sister Lucy….waiting waiting waiting CALL FAILED, shit this damn service if I had to call and ambulance to save my life TMOBILE would see to it that I would die before receiving help.  I dial again CALL FAILED, I turn off my phone and turn it on again, dial and wait as I stretch my arm up hoping that will help. I hear a ringing.

Hello?

Hi it’s me what’s up?

I called you earlier and left a message

Yeah I know what’s going on?

How are you?

I’m good what did you need?

Betty called me and she wants your address and phone number, I don’t know if you are talking to her….her voice fades

Yeah I am talking to her why does she want to my address

I don’t know

ok.

I can call her and give her that information or you can….. she interrupts,   I would just just prefer if you call her

(I am assuming she has mail that needs to be forwarded to me) What does she need it for?

You should just call her and talk to her

This is now beginning to sound ominous. We talk about possible Easter plans and she invites a boyfriend that I am no longer dating I say no but I appreciate that she has extended the offer to him. He would probably come if I asked him to he is like that.  We wrap up the conversation with a promise to touch base on times for Easter.

Dial my sister Betty it rings and my brother-in-law picks up I say hi and ask for my sister. She gets on the phone and we exchange pleasantries and then I say Lucy said you needed my address what’s up? She begins to explain.

We got lawyer and he is working on claiming Tony’s 401k  for us, if we don’t claim it the state will keep it and it will be lost.  This doesn’t include the nieces or mom just us. Just us girls, just the sisters.  It’s been over a year so the creditors can’t touch it but if we don’t act now the state will get it.  So we have to claim it and he needs each one of ours information.

Ok I say and repeat the information back making sure I understood everything. I say for us? for the sisters right? she says yes and says again not for mom in a way that tells me she doesn’t want her to know. She says  “I don’t know if you are talking to her..” I interrupt “No, I’m not” she says “good I don’t want her getting involved”. I say everyone’s names out loud again to confirm I ask if she has spoken to my sisters. She says yes.

She gives me the run down and the information of the person I need to call and I have a sick feeling creeping up I can’t get off the phone fast enough.  The second I do it all comes pouring through.  I begin sobbing, I feel like I’m going to be sick all over the kitchen, my head pounds, my chest tightens, I sob and wail harder and harder and harder.  I walk to a chair in the front room and with my elbows on my knees I cover my face and cry into the mask of my hands. Tears and snot drip from my face, I feel like I can’t breath, my chest feels tight, my ear hurts, I feel dizzy, I’m loud, I cover my eyes with the backs of my hands and gasp for a breath, it’s hard to breath, my chest hurts, I get up to walk toward the bathroom my hands on the walls keeping me balanced and upright as I walk, entering the bathroom I lean over the sink and cry harder and louder I slide to the floor and struggle to catch my breath between sobs.  I feel like throwing up I feel like I’m having a heart attack, I feel like the day I finally let the grief out and allowed myself to mourn the death of my brother.  This time the difference is that I physically feel ill, I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel like my chest is tight, I feel like I need to throw up and I can’t stop crying, loud and hard.  My hands and arms twist around covering my eyes, face head and chest at times.  I can’t make it stop. I can’t make myself stop and I don’t know why this is all coming crashing back in this way. I feel so dizzy I think I might have to go to the hospital, I struggle to breath and think I maybe hyperventilating.  Several minutes go by like this and I can’t regain control or calm myself. 15 minutes feels like 15 hours.

Why? this reaction? I’m not even exactly sure. My niece had a meltdown when she inherited money that my brother had left her she felt guilty, bad or undeserving that she should have this because the reason she was getting it was his death.  I don’t think I understood it when she told me, I knew it made her sad but I didn’t understand the depth of that. It’s hard for me to feel good about this at all on any level, it’s hard for me to think about this, it makes me feel like I’m right back at square on with the progress I’ve made in moving forward after his death.  I never suspected that all those wounds would be ripped open like this again from such and event.

The last 2 days more of his songs have came on and I skipped through them rather than listen through them I always believe he is around me and trying to communicate with me but I rushed those songs through and didn’t listen and today he was finally heard.

0 CommentsLeave a comment

Fucked up but true ass shit/14

Image

“True Love is one of the rarest jewels of life, treasure it with all your heart. When you find someone who loves you just as you are, is steadfast during moments of stress, willing to grow with you and allows you to feel however you choose to feel in any moment – there is nothing more you will ever find in a person. You’ve found True Love when you feel fear; fear of vulnerability, fear of abandonment and fear of letting go of your own stubborn egoic patterns that keep the real you separate and safe from the other. Trust in love and go towards your fear, taking this leap of faith in every moment is the journey Love requires for its sweet reward.”
– Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

0 CommentsLeave a comment

I’m What Willis Was Talkin ‘Bout/12

So I find myself writing after much time off.   Some significant changes and some small changes have occured since  my last post some other things have, I guess in some small ways remained the same.   That should give me comfort but not always.  Since last posting the following has happened.

1. I moved out from living with my ex who I lived with for exactly one year after our breakup.  The fighting was becoming too much.  I was disliking who I was becoming and hating her for who she was.

2. The last week under the same roof when we finally began talking, at times even laughing and trying to be civil and remember we were friends I pulled out of my garage and smashed my car into hers.  I swear it was an accident.  I sat on the wet pavement in the driveway and cried for 15 minutes. 

3. I grew a closer friendship with my other ex  “F” the first guy I dated after K.   He is still in my life and an important part of it , we have been a good support for each other and great fun. He is my confidant and at times my advisor,  we tell each other everything I mean everything.  We should probably have more filters but we don’t.  As I type I’m awaiting to hear how his date went tonight, I’m a bit embarassed to admit I  feel some jealously.

4. My good friend and strongest bad ass woman I know was diagnosed with breast cancer. Within a week of that diagnosis she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer which had spread to her lungs, spine, liver, both breasts and ribs.  As I write this she is in chemo and radiation.   She just shaved her hair completely off 2 days ago-she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen.  So vulnerable and strong at the same time I want to hug her and worship her simultaneously.

5. I have joined just about every dating site there is to join eharm, match, POF, yadda yadda in hopes of moving forward finding my Mr Oh so perfect for me. I have gotten various requests asking if I was DTF -Down To Fuck or nut cases with little to say and less of a brain to know when not to speak at all.

6. I have been forced to reorganize my finances now that I am living alone again. Easier said than done sometimes.

7. I have seen and met with girlfriends in different stages of their lives-a newly expectant mother, an engaged bride to be, a newly rejuvenated 40 something opening up for the first time in her life to love and letting her walls down, an intelligent woman on the cusp of a life altering moment of deciding when enough is enough with her currently married boyfriend.  I love them all I am grateful for their friendship. They force me to reflect on my life.

Since 2009 December has sucked for me, one year the death of my brother, the next the break up of my relationship, and now moving from a place I had lived for the past 8 years. I spent my holiday battling my family my mother mostly and then escaped to “F’s”  house where I finally felt relaxed.

As always I excel at work, really do well, overachieve, outperform, get the job done and make it happen.  However I have recently begun to feel like this is not translating to my personal life.  Well it never has this isnt new.  I entertain fantasies of running away to France, sitting at cafes smoking and awaiting a man that allows me to play the role of a mistress in his life.  A role that leaves us fulfilled temporarily while we are together but allows me the detachment I seem to always need and live in.  

I feel lost, I feel underwelmed and it has hit me so sudden.  The routines of daily life are boring me, I feel stagnant, I feel repetative.  I feel like other people are on fast forward or at least play but for a while I have been hitting the rewind button.  I read books, I try meditation, I “think positive thoughts” but as I sit here I feel like nothing is changing. 

I’m restarting therapy tomorrow and the thought of discussing my friend who has Cancer leaves me unsettled. I am not looking forward to revisiting the idea of loss.  I have barely started putting myself back together from the past 2 years and when I think of her I begin to unravel again.  Everything else becomes an augmented verision of loss even when its no where near a death. I  just can’t keep losing, I need stability, I need a guarantee, I need consistency.  This is so unfathomable to a person who never remained still, who ran from conformity, who wanted nothing to do with commitment and kids.   I have happiness, guilt, love, care, aggravation, disappointment, fun, carefree, heavy and guarded.  What do I want? wants and needs, just when I’m absolutely sure it changes or I realize indeed what I thought I needed or wanted was neither. 

0 CommentsLeave a comment

12/3/11 WHAT THE FUCK DO MEN WANT?/10

Seriously ?  Dating men is really no easier than woman I don’t know what I thought I remembered.  I take some responsibility and have to remember to think sometimes rather than react or respond from gut which I like and feel comfortable doing. I have to “breathe” pause and evaluate the situation and ask more questions ask the brave questions to get the answers which leave no room for assumptions and if I don’t I have no one to blame but myself for it. So in part I’m not entirely mad at him I’m irritated with myself as well because I know better and I am capable of more. It’s been a precarious few weeks since our break up transitioning to friends was interesting, I mean since K, you would think I would be an expert but going from lovers to BFF is a strange path.

In actuality I had been denying something, denying that my feelings wouldn’t get in the way. It’s different to break up with someone you still like romantically but you know they can’t deliver on what you need and want so you cut your losses and figure ok we can at least be friends cause I like you and you like me and you make me laugh.  The problem is the expectations change and you (I) remain sensitive to the your (our) interactions until those feelings dissipate, you meet someone new or they piss you off. My remedy is well,  I got pissed off, that was my ready set go to spring into friendship.

Throughout our time well at the beginning there was no doubt in my mind he was looking for something more along the lines of a relationship, it was a short time but he was hard core, with what he said, how he felt , the flirting the planning, I mean he wanted to spend Thanksgiving  night pampering ourselves at a hotel in the city-that’s a “we have been dating for a while” activity to me. He asked about religion, if I wanted kids and made a list of all the things he liked about me including the “I believe she would be a kind and caring step parent”. Now come on I couldn’t have to read into this, who fabricates this kind of stuff. Someone wanting to laid or someone having strong feelings for someone? Or both?

I took it hook line and sinker thinking “wow amazing a man who doesn’t play games, a man who lays it all out there, a man I do not need mind reading skills to date. Enter Thanksgiving night by now I had felt him pulling away the small simple things of the everyday set your watch like clockwork never late never forgets “good morning sweetie, honey, baby, blah blah text” the “miss yous” the “hey gorgeous”  and  more direct “your hot” “ I want you” “ best kisser ever” texts. Oh yes ladies these were given multiple times on a daily basis and there was no reason for me to think they were fake and I don’t know that I think that now but when it suddenly chills out you have to wonder.

I have read from some “relationship expert” this is what men do, they back off they pull back, for various reasons and that this is natural and the response that woman have to is to be more available and bend over backwards to maintain the “what once was”-and that’s exactly what I did, therefore according to the experts becoming less appealing because I was no longer mysterious.

I had this discussion with another smart beautiful successful woman, “Gabriela why do I do this?, why do we do this? Why do we then check our phones? Jesus I have a life and pretty great one so why is time stopping for a text?”  The only conclusion I can draw is because we all want to be loved and appreciated, that’s a pretty good reason to act a fool but unfortunately some relationships do not recover from such mistakes.  So even though I asked “is everything ok?, are you mad at me?” that did not trigger him to reveal more about what he was thinking and feeling. According to the expert this is the “hallmark error” woman make.

It wasn’t until after Thanksgiving night when I felt some distance between us in actual real time rather than over text that I got brave and asked more specific questions.  The next day I asked him to be honest and confronted him about his feelings changing and he responded, well kinda.  “I guess I’m a little, well a lot guarded these days and I have a hard time getting into and staying in a serious relationship. It sucks I know, you are a wonderful person but we might be on different timetables as afar as relationships go”.

Different time table?  Now this could be interpreted in a number of ways:

1)I’m in the process of trying to end a 12 year marriage and fighting for custody so my priorities lady are somewhere else  aka  I like you but bad timing

2) I liked you a lot and now that we slept together I still like you but I’m not chasing you as I was before and frankly that’s what I like

3) I’m really only available for something light and easy a kinda FWB situation because I can’t even imagine getting into something serious right now

4) It’s time for me to sow my wild outs and spread my seed I’m free for the first time in 12 years well almost free and I need to explore that.

5) Thanks we are done but you’re awesome, high five babes

What I chose to interpret it as was “I can’t give you what you want because I’m not ready and I’m not in any position to get serious with anyone” with a dash of “I want something light, easy and unattached” this allowed him to still look favorable in my eyes and not at fault of anything and probably stroked my ego too.

So with that interpretation in mind I broke up with him. I first told him all the wonderful things about him that I adored and liked and then I offered my friendship. He said nice things back and accepted my friendship. Easy peasy right? Eh not so much, we talked about hanging out as friends and did once the day after I broke up with him where he proceeded to get faced and I became the babysitter (this shoulda been my first second or third warning) but noooo I gave more I drove him home, I took care of him, I cooked him breakfast, I told him I worried about him and he passed out on the toilet for about an hour. He did finally come out when I said I was leaving and hugged me and thanked me and then tried to kiss me but I didn’t kiss him back. I hugged him and left.

I have no idea, most woman would have run for the hills and considered him too damaged to like or love or date. I liked that he put all of his baggage up front, the divorce , the custody, the lawyers, the depression he has struggled with and goes to therapy for weekly, the medication he takes to control the depression, the ex, the back and forth between the homes. All of that, I accepted him where he was at, for who he was, a lesson learned from my last relationship but doing that does not a bond create.

We had an interesting conversation about what he wanted or more so he kept asking me WHAT I THOUGHT he wanted and I just always said I had no idea and that I had been wrong on all accounts so I threw the question back at him which he never answered he only told me what his therapist thought:  that he was unable of accepting outside validation and was trying to replace the whole his mom had left with him. Seems cliché doesn’t it? I mean we can only blame our parents for our problems for so long before we take over and do something about it. I’m not trying to judge him only reflecting on my path with my mother.  He was slippery when I tried to pin him down on if he thought his therapist was right or what it was that he was looking for. As I have communicated more and more with him I notice he hides, he never answers those questions or acknowledges those comments that he feels uncomfortable addressing. I thought I was good using humor to deflect vulnerability he is an expert and he becomes a hard of hearing, visually impaired mute. I know another read flag that he doesn’t get serious (he admits) and maybe isn’t emotionally ready for some things.

I guess that is how he feels, I don’t know, I just know that he ignores those questions/texts but comments on the text right before it and right after it, conveniently.  I have put him on the hot seat before and go back and grill grill grill reasking the question till he answers but I neither have the time, patience or energy to do so. I did it for a year and a half with K when I dated her.

I had romantic feelings for him probably up until last night when this conversation took place and I thought “what are you doing? Why are you holding on to feelings for this guy”

Last night we were texting and he was complaining about Match.com as we do and I said “don’t worry you’ll find your friend with benefits tomorrow”  “I don’t want a FWB why do you say that? “  “cause it seems liked that from many of our conversations, interactions and comments in fact it was the reason I thought we should stop seeing each other because that’s what I thought you wanted”.  My assumptions were obviously wrong but then he made no attempt to clarify or communicate what indeed he was looking for. For some reason this made me mad, he has been pushing me to give a younger guy a chance and encouraging a FWB situation for me and I was letting that influence me and perhaps convince me to accept something less that what I wanted. Ultimately it is my choice and I can hardly blame him nor can I say he manipulated me but I let myself get caught up in that and adjusted for a guy-stupid.  I’m learning I’ve gone from one end of the spectrum to another. Never compromising or giving in to someone else’s needs to being overly accommodating.  So as with everything in life it is a readjustment and a learning process and this morning I woke up with a whole other attitude and I was really feeling myself today –got dressed up and walked with a spring in my step today with a I’m funny and darnit people like me attitude. Bottom line is I have much to learn and a lot of room to grow but I accept myself where I am at. The fact is with all that I have been through the past 2 years I’m more open that I have ever been and putting myself and my heart out there I realize well at times it just won’t work out as I hoped, I’ve only learned that I control far less than I thought in the past and my commitment is only to follow my karmic destiny or hero’s journey or whatever the new age phrase of the day it.  I’m in.

Update 12/31/11

We have actually transitioned to friends spent time together hanging out even on Xmas night and exchanging gifts. We talk the next morning he sits and drinks coffee I challenge his caveman ideas about relationships and woman and we talk about everything and anything. We laugh, we questions, we challenge, we ponder, we share about why we are the way we are, we reveal a little bit about ourselves as friends do when they trust each other and are building a friendship. He confide my fears although he already knows most of them and vice versa. We talk about our dates we bitch about our families. We support each other and remind each other that it’s ok to be him and ok to me and we are in our respective places /stages in life for a reason and we learn each and every day. I get mad at him sometimes and he apologizes, I get on my soapbox and he tells me I’m nuts but it works.  At first when I saw how much he drank I worried and thought I met him to be in his life as a friend but I needed a friend like him just as much. I am grateful we are here and while I figure out what life holds for me from here on out I have someone who can really relate.

0 CommentsLeave a comment

12.1.11 Ready or Not Here I Come/9

Hmmmm well just when you think you have a firm grasp on something it slowly and quietly begins to unravel from your hands.  The reason you held it so tight in the first place is because as it gets away from you it becomes messy.  Messy, hard to control, hard to compartmentalize, distance yourself or worse yet protect yourself from. This is what December is for me. All the clichés of people sad around the holidays, all the statistics we hear about suicides, divorces, family violence…Merry Fucking Christmas right?

The little hole in my heart is from losing my best friend 2 years ago and being so blind with grief that I did not even see, experience, acknowledge, process or so much as sniff, lick or suck the grief. I mean it was non existent but yet so present and obvious in my face, my life.  It weighed me down like some suit that’s too big for you.

2 years ago my brother died but even that is so fucked up because the truth of the matter was we decided to take him off of the life support he was on that was keeping him alive.  I got a call from my sister asking me what I wanted to do. My mother wanted to have everyone’s input before removing him from the machines that were keeping him alive.  So everyone was already there at the hospital except me so basically I was like the 12 juror deciding my brothers fate, fucked up huh? I even remember saying “What? so I’m making the call my vote is the deciding factor? This isn’t god damn Survivor.”    “No No it’s not like that, mom just wanted everyone to be ok with it and be able to say for themselves.”  I was quiet for a moment then blurted out a string of question in one breath ” What are the chances of him recovering? What did the doctors say? How long has he been breathing assisted? Are there any signs of brain activity?”  “What about?”  “What if ?” “How come ?”

Her answers grazed over my head, they flew by at first but slowly suspended themselves  in air waiting to be popped like balloons.  “If that’s what is best maybe we should do this for him, he might not ever be the same” he would have hated that. The truth of the matter is my brother was never the same after being diagnosed with diabetes and as his illness got worse he died a little with each rush to the hospital and with each near miss of falling into a diabetic coma.  Every time I was called in the middle of the night to come to the hospital because they thought this was it and he might not come back, I died a little too.  The person who was my constant friend, defender, protector, comic relief, musical sherpa, world guru was slipping away, slipping through my fingers with each hospitalization.

I snap back to the conversation with my sister my arm is tired from holding the phone that feels heavy and I feel like I have sitting like this for hours.

“Yeah ok do it” I whispered.  “Do you want us to wait for you?” “Are you coming?”   “NO, no I don’t want to see that, I don’t want to see him like this, it’s not him, not my brother, why the fuck is she asking me this? what the fuck???”

It probably seems completely strange that I wasn’t there at the hospital with my family waiting for my brother to die but to me it seems completely fucked up to be there waiting with my family for my brother to die.  I loved him more than anyone else in my family and he was the one leaving, if it were another family member and he was there waiting I would have gone but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because my immediate family were the last people I wanted to be with, their madness, shitty ass attitudes, greed, anger and pettiness was something my brother and I loathed. There was a reason why he and I kept our distance from the rest of our family and maintained a relationship outside of my mother’s house, cause they are nuts.

This pissed almost my entire family off including my brother in-laws but it was my choice and my decision to not be there but it doesn’t mean I loved him less and that I wasn’t pained by the loss.  My sister and her husband had everyone back at their house for dinner they were the only ones who talked to me well and my nieces their two daughters. The tension was enough to choke on with each bite of bread while we ate dinner. I could feel how angry and disapproving my mother was about me not coming but honestly I think she thought I should have been there for her. That looney toon has a way of stealing the thunder and attention from even a someone dead or dying. I already witnessed this at my Dads wake.

When everyone cleared out only I remained sitting at my sisters kitchen table and that’s when her and my brother-in-law told me how they felt about me not showing up. I appreciated that they had the balls, respect and integrity to say it directly to me and I told them I understood but it was my choice to make and for my reasons I made the choice I did and while I respected and understood how they felt to fuckin bad I decide what is best for me.

A week ago it started, the restlessness is that what comes first, it’s like I’m on idle waiting to take off any second but I never do so it feels like a permanent nervous stomach.  Each morning around 2 or 3 I lay in bed wide awake tears streaming from my eyes, mind racing completely still in the dark. The tears just pour, they keep coming streaking from the sides of my eyes into my hair and eventually to my pillow sometimes when I get up there is a weird cry halo but it sorta looks more like wet mickey mouse ears cause it’s really just two puddles on each side of my head.

I’m tired from the lack of sleep, I look worn, I look harsh but I move through my day hiding so I think. My students know it, they see it, they are extra gentle to me on these days, they stop and ask me how I am in a different way from their usual causal “hows it goin Ms. A?”. When they ask these days it’s quiet and there is a pause and sometimes a nod a like “I see your pain, I know your sad, sorry try not to be”  its the weirdest phenomena but it’s true it happens, they have an extra sense that in adults gets dulled, they are connected directly to your heart.  They seem to always know when you are not you, most of the time they don’t want to know why but they stop and they become a little mini caretaker for just a few seconds by the time you realize what they have done they have already walked away.

Sat December 3rd is my brother’s birthday he would have been 53, exactly 1o years older than me I think I’ll start holding my breath now.

0 CommentsLeave a comment

12/31/10 Why the fuck does someone blog all at once/4

If you have read my previous posts you see right now I am at a crossroads. I am at the brink of losing the person I love most, I have had repeated traumas that I did not successfully process or deal with and on the 30th of this month I will be reminded that my brother died and left me with the assholes in my family.

My brother was so damn cool, I worshipped him. He was my protector, my playmate, my mentor, my parent, my friend, my teacher. I was in every essence of the words “Tony’s little sister”.  He was popular and well liked and where ever he went those doors parted for me like the red sea when they knew who I was. He was always in my corner, taught me to question, be strong, debate (in a healthy way) and to never never let my fears keep me from doing anything.

K and I took a break at Thanksgiving to “reset” and start again when she returned things were going really well. God I remembered how beautiful she was in the absolute pure sense of her heart and her person. I felt in love again, I felt loved, I felt a connection that had been eluding us for a while. I felt like we were on our way, working our way back. Then December started and I completely fell apart and the pain and grief and anger about losing Tony scorched and spilled all over my beautiful girl and our happy attempts to rebuild.

December 3rd was his birthday I was begining to feel the pain, the sadness the desperation of realizing he is gone. For a year I buried this, distracted by the anger toward my family who swooped down like vultures once again as they did after my father’s death. Stress, pain, rained down on our loving attempts to care for each other. The following weekend for the first time I visited his grave, I did not go the day of the funeral I delivered the eulogy and left after the mass. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t watch my brother be lowered into a hole in the ground the finality of that makes me sick to my stomach even now. I also wasn’t there when he was taken off of life support I couldn’t do it perhaps for my own selfish reasons of fear and pain but also because my family is incapable of offering each other support in a healthy way and I didn’t feel safe being in a vulnerable place with them.

When my dad had been ill and in the hospital security had to be called to remove one of my siblings who got into a screaming fight with another one of my siblings. All this while my dad was in ICU. Each of them screaming “you leave, no you leave.”  At my funeral home after the arrangements were made for my brother the all familiar process of faking decisions that were already premade by my mother, two of my sisters got in a screaming match about my brother’s money. Ending with my brother in law dragging away one sister, me putting my mom in car as another sister screamed “get a fucking lawyer.”  This funeral home must love us.

For the first time in a year it came spilling out, I fought with K then locked myself in the bathroom and on my hands and knees sobbed, releasing noises like a wounded animal, something non human, tears streamed from my eyes, snot and drool dripped onto the floor as I tugged and pulled at the bathroom mat. I comforted myself against the cold bathroom cabinets burying my face in the corner as I gasped for air between sobs. Whispering Why? Why? Why did you leave me? Why did you give up? I miss you, I love you, I need you, Why?  For a moment I would stop long enough to whisper I fucking hate you for leaving me with these people, I hate you for giving up and not getting yourself well I hate you for leaving me with our crazy family. When I said this I kicked and kicked and kicked the garbage can in the bathroom I kicked that weaved basket to a pulp. My third mantra that I repeated was I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there with you in the end, I’m sorry you couldn’t hear my voice, I’m sorry that I left you with the crazies of our family with barely a lovable person to sooth you, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I let you down. This went on for nearly an hour the next victim of my anger was the towl rack, I ripped it off the wall and smashed it against the counter over and over till it resembled a 60 degree angle.

When I came out I was in such a fucked up spot and wanted K or anybody to take away this pain. When she couldn’t to do that for me I misdirected my anger and pain at her.  Now, she mentioned today that this was not the root of our troubles or downfall we have been struggling before and that led us to counseling, but for me, now in this moment I see the impact it had on my girl and she went from that beautiful pure open soul to scared, sad, protection mode again and all her fears resurfaced and we were back to square one and knocked off the positive track we had been on.

What am I learning? patience, trust and how to let go enough so that she can have what she needs even though in this moment it is so hard for me to step back. I’m so grateful I have so many loving people who in the course of all this trauma have been there for me. I am blessed to be so loved, cared for and understood. I am blessed to be able to share my pain without fear for the first time, I am blessed to hear words of encouragement during such a low time in my life, I am blessed to for the first time show my vulnerability to people who love me, or perhaps even strangers who read this, I am blessed to accept help from those offering it. Even though I’m so scared and don’t know our future she has blessed me with her presence and I accept that in whatever form it comes in my life.

0 CommentsLeave a comment