sexuality

#26 The Best Parts of Breaking Up 12/22/14

Being almost 2 months out from my last breakup, I have begun to enjoy the shifts of my mind and heart. I’m no longer sad, I have the benefit of distance without emotionality and can see the flaws and all the ways my ex wasn’t capable of meeting me where I was. Once you see that, you have reached a level of acceptance that simply makes you grateful you dodged a bullet.

I’ve been back on the dating websites which will be a completely separate but most entertaining post but getting back in the game can be fun as well. There is the beginning of the transition where you get your life back, where you stop having to make accommodations that eventually made you feel resentful, now you do for you, just for you and it feels good. You go back, to those things that you perhaps let go in the informal unsaid compromises that happen, in attempt to make things work. It feels good, you start to feel like you again and you remember how great your life is. After a while sometimes you notice a feeling, a restless energy build. It’s hard to put your finger on it at first, it’s like feeling like to you need to go out for a run. A stirring to be physically active, movement, push, pull, exertions, sweat, force, propelling, hard, fast, exhausting and sweaty. You realize it’s not a run you need to go for, it’s not that type of release, but rather soon you realize, that what you need, is to get laid. The absence of your option to have sex, when you want it is temporarily gone. Rarely will a woman get turned down and in a relationship it’s almost never, I could wake my ex up out of a sound sleep and he was able and willing to take care of my needs. It wasn’t always the best of the best due to the tired factor but if I had a want or need it was available. You get a little desire dizzy and you begin to think of and be open to a new person taking care of your wants, and in fact you start to look forward to it.525

The first time someone flirts with you and you are receptive to it and flirt back even if it’s just for fun. The first time someone kisses you after your ex can be one of the best parts of breaking up. The first time you experience a desire and feel desired in that way can help put your mantra back in your strut “I’m hot and I don’t give a fuck.”  Now, this can be when you find a new love, begin dating, chatting with someone regularly or it can just be when you make the conscious decision to take a new lover. This sounds so very …..French ……but pourquoi pas?

As I entered my 40s I realized one of the greatest parts of myself is my sexuality, it is confident, funny, open to surrender, fun, and feel good moments. I have done this more so in the past few years and its fun and enjoyable a release of energy. These aren’t the loves of my life, intellectual match or soul mates. They are or well as a rule have always been younger than me, sometimes much younger because what I need is something light, something easy, something fun, FUN, get that? FUN. The relationship I just got out of especially at the end was not fun, it was miserable, filled with fighting, filled with difficult moments, filled with moments of not getting our needs met, heavy, at times boring, and definitely not easy. A new lover is all those things and sometimes more. A new lover is funny, a new lover’s kiss makes every inch of your body feel a buzz, a new lover banters, a new lover flirts, a new lover wants. Just like your relationship was in the beginning but without all the arguments, drama or baggage. Remember those good ol’ days? Well I’m about to, remember them, repeatedly with abandonment, cause “I’m hot and I don’t give a fuck……yet.”

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What’s the expiration date on happiness? 8/2/14 #22

I believe that overall I am a very upbeat, positive, go getter type of person. Although I have seemed to have several tragedies within the last couple of years I am resilient as fuck. I always land on my feet and everything works out just fine. Sure some of my setbacks or losses have taken me longer to work through and perhaps some will always stay with me, but in the end I end up happy once again. I have begun taking more note of the truely happy moments and find that those real moments of bliss and warmth and contentment are a few seconds or maybe minutes long. Driving with the windows down, sun on my face, music blaring and there it is, a smile creeps over my face, I haven’t a care in the world, I feel good, I feel full, I feel bliss. Moments later, it quietly fades away.

It’s not that when that feeling fades, that I am unhappy or that I stop feeling good. I just go from feeling elevated to feeling back to my normal cruising altitude. These nano-moments happen everywhere, in yoga for that like 20 seconds when I can actually hold tree pose, right after I clean the entire house, at work when I make a difference, being in the middle of cooking a healthy clean meal with a good beer in one hand, stir stepping and dancing around the kitchen, or those first few seconds after an amazing orgasm with the person you love or feel crushingly connected to. Over, done, finito, terminado, the end and then back to your normal you. Being normal me is pretty good, often fun but it can also be stressful, lonely at times, overwhelming and deep like the kind of deep that can make you tired.

These things make up most of us or at least those of us that are aware of our role in this world and the connection to those that surround us. I have seen the “ignorance is bliss” play out in people’s lives, those totally unreal, completely not normal HIGHLY ELEVATED people. I’m suspicious of those people because I think a balanced life includes a dose of reality, some soul searching and moments of heartache.

I used to always ask my ex boyfriend “Are you happy?” I think hoping to catch him in his moments of bliss, I think there may have been times when I did, I’m not sure. I know that while we were together at times I felt a smile creep over my face, I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world, I felt good, I felt full, I felt bliss but about 2 weeks ago it was time to come down to my normal cruising altitude and maybe even encounter some turbulence. We had been arguing and struggling more than usual for the past two months same old same old. He was a people pleaser I’m totally direct, he is scared of putting his ass out on the line when something matters to him and once asked me where I got my strength from, I didn’t know the answer. I think now that it comes from heartache, feeling like life has knocked you down but you still got back up. He has been knocked down but never really got up again. We had these talks before, wondered if we should be dating “now” but when I asked he never wanted to take a break.

We loved each other and I believe he was given to me, brought to me to hold my hand through the death of my mother and my dear friend Becky’s end to her battle with breast cancer. We were in each others karmic path. He made his contributions to my life and I to his but not without our small scars along the way. Our relationship took him out of his comfort zones many many times and as a result hightened his anxiety. When you date someone who suffers from depression it’s like there is a third person in the relationship that silently has an impact on your life. If I am honest with myself I knew it was coming and I didn’t do anything about it.  I left it to him and one nasty fight where we both forgot to remember to be kind, forgot to listen to each other and forgot that we were defensive because of our individual baggage. It makes me sad that I didn’t rise above that line because it only would have taken one of us to soften up the other and provide a reason to allow clear heads and full hearts to prevail but we reached the end and went our seperate ways at the fork on the path of bliss.

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An Anal Agreement between both parties required 2/17/14 #19

About 2 weeks after my mother died we celebrated our first Christmas without parents.  I’ve said it before being without both of your parents leaves you feeling somewhat lost.  It’s like you have erased your history, where you came from, who you belong to.  It feels as though you are a tree without roots.  The strange counterpart to this is I have spent my whole life trying to cut myself from my family, my tree and now I feel afloat without it.   Fast forward to Xmas, I had been dating someone for just a few weeks things are going well as they always are at the start of something new and fresh.  He is a welcome soft place to land as I sort through the feelings of losing my mother.

I had been fighting one of the worst migraines I have ever had it was Christmas Eve and the sister with whom I am still speaking to had invited me along with her family to my brother in-laws siblings home.    I like them, they are like the family my sister and I kind of wanted, they are not without their flaws but they love each other and they show up for each other ….always.   I am close in age to my bro in laws brother P, and for a short time in college he and I ran in the same social circles so I was really looking forward to spending the holiday with them and some old faces.

The headache prevailed and eventually I ended up right where I started on the couch sleeping away the skull crushing pain.  Tossing and turning, kicking off blankets and pulling them back on was alternated with occasional sips of water before I was reminded that the pain had not gone away.  Sleeping was my only option.  At about 3 am I woke up to an almost burning pain emanating from my arse.   Yes arse.  ARSE. ARSE. ASS, DUPA, CULO.  To be exact my arsehole.

What the fuck is that??? goddamnit, what the fuck, ow, Ow OWWWWW!

I jumped up off the couch and went straight to the bathroom, I had no idea what was happening but I knew one thing my ass hurt, hurt like a burn, like a scrape that gets hot water splashed on it in the shower.

Wait I felt this on Sunday after M and I had sex and I was in the shower, what the hell is my malfunction?

M the new guy I had been dating had left on Sunday for home, today was Tuesday.  On Sunday after a night and day of bent over the edge of the bed, hair tugging, arm behind my back holding, moan filled, back arching, face burying pounding from behind I was taking a shower and felt this slight burn/pain as the warm water ran down my back into my crack.  It was a momentary discomfort that I sort of glossed over I figured it was part of the well  over zealous physicality  from our sexual acrobatics.   Monday was a normal day and I had couple bowel movements which seemed relatively painless until maybe the one on Tuesday morning.  Again that slight sting/burn.

WHAT THE FUCK? DID? HAVE? WHY? IS THIS?  

Gave way to ……DID HE FUCK ME UP THE ASS??? 

Which then gave way to ….DID I NOT KNOW I GOT FUCKED IN THE ASS?

Which then prompted… IS THAT POSSIBLE??

Mental rewind, mental rewind mental rewind.  Ok yes right there, that second as though I was stopping a movie at minute 23 with 11 seconds.  I remember being bent over, really going at it and yep yeah right there, then ,exactly that moment, it started to hurt a little, feel slightly uncomfortable, the discomfort growing, growing and growing up until my pain threshold kicked in.  At the moment I was about to say aloud “ok that hurts” he seemed to readjust and it subsided.  What I would later piece together is he was back in the right hole.  Now I was in full-blown pain, couldn’t stand to have my underwear on or touch even toilet paper to it, note to self, buy more baby wipes.   It’s 3 am, I’m in pain, piecing together the events leading to anal injury and I started to seeth with anger.

Mother fucker, what the fuck, who the fuck does this, who they fuck thinks they can just fuck me in the ass? 

I get out my laptop and begin researching I self diagnose myself with an anal lesion.  It’s common to have a tear occur when one practices, has or has no intention of having had anal without any sort of lubrication.

M, he likes me, as he says he “like likes me”  which is usually a precursor to “I’m falling for you”  which is a precursor to “I love you”.

Why would he do this? Why would he breech my trust in such a way? Guys are pigs!  He doesn’t “like like ” me he doesn’t even “like” me.  He doesn’t have any respect for me, he is terrible at communication, he can’t just take it there without my permission, an extensive talk, long hours of research and  pros and cons list.  ANAL is an agreement, a venture one begins with a handshake of a mutual “I’m in” , at the very least it deserves a prompting of “ok are you ready? I’m gonna stick it in now”. 

As I researched and alternated my weight from side to side as to not apply direct pressure to what now felt like an anal tunnel I stumbled across even more frightening news.

“Transferring one’s penis from the anal cavity back to the vagina leads to exposure to various bacteria from waste.”

I wanted to puke, I was livid, I checked my phone it’s 3:45 I want to call him right this very second and scream “You ass fucked me without my permission, without even my interest, that’ s like rape, that ass rape, that is a violation, how about you let me fuck your ass? How about I don’t ask you and just do it lube free and tear you a new one? Huh? how about that, you fuckin fuck”

The pain sears I go back to researching online but this time for remedies.  I’m thinking like maybe icing, or a cold compress, I have no idea I’ve never tore my ass before….until now.  Most websites recommend ointment or Preparation H.  Makes sense what you would use to treat hemorrhoids would help treat a torn gaping butthole.  Ok perhaps I am exaggerating however in my head it felt like it.

This will probably be the least believable part of this story but I swear on all the ones that I love that still remain on this earth I happened to have Preparation H, not because I have hemorrhoids but because I am vain.  I have used it to treat wicked puffy eyes and bags, essentially it reduces the inflammation.  A makeup artist tipped me off to the trick and told me it is commonly done.  I used it when I began to process the loss of my brother and would cry and cry and cry for hours, the kind of sobbing that makes your chest hurt, your nose run and leaves your lungs gasping for air.  I could hide all of this but I could not hide my swollen eyes when I went to work in the mornings so I used Preparation H.

Eww now I have to touch my finger to my asshole, in a very deliberate way to get this on the tear.

Jesus effin Christ how can this be my life at 4am Xmas morning???

I do it,  and instantly wash my hands scrubbing the index finger which performed the procedure.  I feel instant relieve, a cooling sensation, the burning lessens and then stops but is replaced with an uncomfortable moisture in my crack.  It’s better and worse at the same time different way.

I want to call him, I want to read him the riot act, I want to scream and ask him who the fuck he thinks he is, I will break up with him.  My mind is racing I run through everything I will say I choose my words carefully in case he comes back with some sort of  butt rebuttal.  I check my phone over and over again awaiting the time to call 6 am?? 5 am?? how long do I need to wait?

I text at 6 stating this “as soon as you wake up could you please call me” and I wait what seemed like forever.  What exactly is forever when you are waiting to tell someone they tore your asshole when they shoved their dick in there without asking you?  Not sure.

Almost and hour and half later he calls.  By this time I have had ample time to think, I have calmed down, I have realized that this guys has been open, honest, trustworthy and supportive and 100% in my corner with the passing of my mother.  I remember that it is so unbelievable that anyone would stick around to try and start little less nurture a relationship with someone in such an emotional state, but he has, he has been there every step of the way holding my hand, making me laugh when I needed it , and wiping my tears.

“Hi Good Morning”  …….morning I reply.

“Merry Christmas”  and a flush of embarrassment runs across my face when I hear him say this.  I know I am about to follow-up his seasons greetings with “WHY DID YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS???” 

“Yeah, Merry Christmas” I mumble.

“Is everything ok? are you ok?” he asks nervously

He knows something is wrong, he thinks I am about to break up with him which seems so counter intuitive considering the weekend we just had together but why else would I have sent such a text?

“I don’t even know how to say this, I know one of things we like most about each other is that we can tell each other anything, anything at all.  We have had such interesting and vulnerable conversations and it has brought us  closer.  What I am about to say is fucked up, really fucked up so I am just going to say it, directly and without sugar coating. “

There is a moment of hesitation, silence and the same hand that nursed my ass hours ago now cradles my forehead as I am about to say something awkward and difficult that will change everything.

“Did, well, Sunday when we were going at it,  um er did you fuck me in the ass?”

Silence.

“What? are you asking me if I, if I, if we had anal?

“Yes”

“No, I mean not that I am aware of in any way, no”  “Why? is something going on down there?”

“Yes, I have a tear or what I can guess after consulting Web M.D. is an anal lesion” 

“What? Do you I mean what happened? ”

“Remember when we were really going at it, well at one point I felt like an intense pulling and upward motion, I thought it was the angle of how you were entering me. I could feel the pressure building and building until it started to become uncomfortable and more uncomfortable and then started crossing over the threshold into pain.  I was just about to tell you but then you moved and it stopped”

“Uh huh, and you think I may have possibly been in the wrong spot?”

“It had to be, there is no other way this could have happened”

“I’m sorry I didn’t intend for that to happen and I never would have ever tried something like that without you and I or us having some sort of talk or discussion, it’s not just something I would do, I’m sorry. Are you ok?”

” Yes I am ok, I know the more I thought I about it the more I knew it wasn’t you to do something like that”

“I’m sorry, is there anything I can do? I feel bad”

” Well no, according to google it will take time to heal but all should be normal in a few days”

He proceeded to ask me more questions about the timeline and when it started hurting and how                        is it that it didn’t hurt so much until like a day and half later. I said I had no idea but that according to all the stories I read online it was common for the pain not to settle in for a few days.  He deduced that between then and now I had well “used” my anus which probably re-triggered the pain or tear.  I explained how angry I was and how I almost called him in the middle of the night and despite him saying he wished I did I’m glad I didn’t.  I’m glad I calmed down and let cooler heads handle this discussion.   Uncomfortable as it was to have this conversation with a new boyfriend  we were glad that I felt I could.  I ended with the hope that one day this would be a funny story one day which we would laugh at and retell to friends.   By the following week I had already begun to share it with a girlfriend and guy friend.  Her comment was if he were anywhere near full penetration I would have known and my guy friend was just astonished saying “how could you not know????” .  I guess everyone is different but I think because I didn’t have anything to compare it to I wasn’t sure what it was….but I do now.

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Fucking Beer and Coffee #17

Ahh it’s been a while a long while but don’t think I have become this uber well adjusted picket fence pillow princess.  Well PP sounds nice anyway. Usually I find myself here after a major life change breakups, deaths, loss of a pet, new sex or just mood change.

What has happened in my life since we last spoke. I was in a relationship with a WAY to recently divorced man, 6 months, did I learn nothing from F??? This one was all jump into commitment and frankly I have been bit by the commitment bug so I thought. With my friends getting married, having babies and purchasing home with lawns to be cared for I was left thinking, “am I missing something?” So I drank the koolaid yes I jumped into an predoomed relationship, with Jim kids and  grandkids, exes, a family with no boundaries whatsofuckeneva.  I did it. I actually enjoyed the begining I think one of things I loved about him most was his family since mine is fucked up as are most I realize.  His mother she was a gift, a sassy, sex havin, world traveling, f bomb dropping grandma.  I clicked with her immediately. First time I met her was at Thanksgiving, well I met them all that day, I had only met his son before that.  By the end of dinner she was arranging the date to have Xmas at her house and invited me and arranged to have it on a day my family would not be celebrating the holiday.   When Jim returned to the table I said to him “I hoped you planned on inviting me to Xmas because your mother just did”.   I think that’s why it was even more traumatic for me when she died 8 months later.  It reawoke so much pain from losing my brother and in the end of her days they were in the hospital, trachea tube, unable to talk, in comas the only difference is I refused to see my brother like that and never went during that time to the hospital. I only wanted support Jim and it became a point of contention me trying to be his soft place to land and his need to put on a brave face, it was one of last nails in our coffin.  Once he let me in literally I was terrified and reluctant to see his mother in such a frail and dimished state.  Her bubbly, wise crackin, cackling,  warm personality a memory as I watched her slip away.   I had fantasies that if Jim and I married I would be close with her and she would become a mother of sorts to me. I would have liked that although I realized she would have also annoyed me with her proverbial two cents here and there but in that I still love having you in my life sorta way.

The first sign of trouble with Jim was when he wanted to have sex more than I did.  He brought it up but it was only much later did I realize I didn’t want him in the same way or as frequently because he wasn’t doing it for me.  Now he is a good person and I believe has a good heart but there are things he needs to work on as we all do but he at least needs to get started.  At the start of our relationship he was plagued with sexual issues.  He had a hard time getting it up, repeatedly.  I was patient, very patient and understanding and I tried everything to help it along but frankly I couldn’t get that dick up with a crane.  He claimed it was because he was a little intimated by me a total opposite from his uneducated, got knocked up, never worked, housewife laying on the couch watching Montel ex wife.  Who incidentally cheated on him 2x once fucking their neighbor that lived right next door to them. Jim responded by putting up a tall fence and back to business as usual. RED FLAG!!!

Anyway back to to us.  So when it came time to discuss the sex or lack there of or whatever he got very defense and it always became an argument.  I never once complained about his flaccid friend but what I did complain about is that he didn’t make sure I came, that I got off,  and that was building a slow but solid resentment reservoir.   He always wanted to fuck in the morning before work but he got up at 4am and I didn’t have to get up till 630 but I wasn’t going to fall back and asleep.  On occasion it was fine but if I am going to get woken up and be dog ass tired all day then you better make it worth my while and take it to completion…..mine not just yours.

I didn’t want to to have copious amounts of sex time because I wasn’t getting off in the way I needed.  I did on occasion but it was my efforts typically or the use of a toy.  It really wasn’t until the very end literally the week we broke up that the sex got good but by then it was all grudge fucking.   The most difficult part is that EVERY SINGLE time after we had sex and we were laying there panting he would say “that was good wasn’t it”  and I tried everyway to affirm without agreeing because I knew it would end in fight because his ego was so fragile.  I would wait till later to be like “hey I didn’t cum and I really need to when we are making love, you shouldn’t just stop, try using your hand or try…..yadda yadda yadda”  My suggestions changed from time to time but his reply was always the same, he didn’t feel he could because he was afraid  he couldn’t touch me the way he wanted or that I would complain or some other shit that basically made it my fault why I just had a lousy lay.  FUCK YOU JIM and fuck me for putting up with that for any length of time.  FUCK his ego and FUCK his issues and FUCK his weak ass bullshit insecurities WE ALL HAVE THEM but we keep living life rather than fearing it.

We or I should say he dumped me early August I don’t why I held on so long partly the reliving of my losses when his mom passed, the fake stability he seemed to offer and my want to be a part of a we instead of just me.  Even as fabulous as I am I realize I do not want to be found 7 days after I have died from choking on a kalamatta olive which my face have eaten off my dog.  In this 10 month brutalness I forgot me I forgot to take care of me and put my needs first.  That hasn’t happened to me but the sickness of him mom put me in a place that made it impossible for even a bitch like to me break up or even see I was miserable and hated my life with him. I cried for about a week and then on his birthday but then each day got easier really strangely easier in a rapid amount of time.  I realized this wasn’t really love I was playing house and caretaker for everyone else.  We struggled to remain friends and he made it loud and clear that he didn’t mean it when he said he wanted to still be friendly.  I recently contacted him about his son who reached out to me and out of respect before talking with his son I contacted him to make sure he was ok with it….nothing, no response, to my attempts.  It pissed me off and bothered me that he hadn’t changed and that he was a fake ass bullshitter because he couldn’t be truthful or strong.  I quickly forgot that temporary slip and accepted his path and got back on my own.

I found a nice transitional FWB that treated my vaginal fulfillment like a sport.  Like a sport where you  are watching the MVP on his best day ever, performing with finesse, skill, commitment, passion for the game, and scoring…..repeatedly.

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waiting

waiting

Time to move on…………

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12/ 19/11 “To Catch a Predator” gets you Christmas Cunnilingus /11

So match.com which I am now on a break from I get an email well really a mismatched response to my “date spark”. A date spark is an idea you have for a date, it’s attached to your profile and it’s sort of an ice breaker if someone wants to talk to you but no one uses it like this. Especially Arrested. I’ll call him Arrested because our first conversation was solidified buy our twisted senses of humor and our love for Arrested Development.

He responded despite the fact that he lives in Texas to my “date spark” my date spark is to go to the contemporary art museum in the city and his response to it was “good kissers are so hard to find.”  I NEVER respond to out of towners they annoy me because I think I’m not in the same town WHY WHY WHY do you write? I usually delete, I usually ignore but NOOOOOOOO not this time and the result was 6 orgasms.

After literally 1 email we were on the phone ripping on each other, talking about our favorite shows and spinning an analogy that had me as Charlie collecting a GOLD TICKET and him as Willy Wonka offering to redeem it for outstanding make out session.  The conversation flowed; we practically stepped on each other  finishing  each other’s sentences, punch lines, dirty comments, smartass remarks and weird vocabulary. To say we were in sync is an understatement. He offered well…..anything I wanted. He was originally from Chicago and was coming to visit family for Xmas, he missed Chicago and all the food it has to offer such as Lou Malnattis pizza and Portillos.  We joked he would show up with a pizza, we’d drink some beer, watch some Arrested or Sunny in Philadelphia and make the fuck out all night and if it lead to something else such as me getting great oral—so be it …..it was all up to me.

Hmmmmmm let me get this right, you are basically telling me you will come over and go down on me? Yep.  Who would turn this down? Probably most people since this person essentially was a total stranger, every once in a while that would creep back into my head and give me some hesitation but I felt like I knew him, after all the late night talks till 3am and sometimes very very flirty borderline sexual conversation I felt like I knew him and could possibly accept this Christmas Cunnilingus.  I mean if someone offers to come over and service you, well  damit you give it some consideration……right?  It was like a romantic comedy without all the bullshit, I mean, yes, it is easier for woman to get sex than perhaps men but I’ve never had someone so brazen and so directly tell me in 15 different ways that they would eat my cookie repeatedly.  It became a joke where I would repeat it back saying I was having trouble reading between the lines.

He was my Santa willing to go South. He was funny, charming, direct, bold, a potty mouth, a twisted little shit that could banter with me to the wee hours of the morning, make me laugh, make me think, and dare I say call my ass out. All three which act as aphrodisiacs for me in fact it’s like the trifecta. I was curious, I was intrigued, I only maintained a slight hesitation, I was very bluntly turned on he knew it and I knew it I was the only one pretending to be coy.

Eventually that night came it was the Monday after Xmas we made plans for him to come over I gotta say the anticipation was killing me. He stopped to get a pizza which I thought was for us but he had eaten pizza earlier with his family and so got a delivery from a guy that was coming over to go down on me and fuck me…..it was like a porno except before I got to sucking him off we cuddled up on the couch and watched TV for a while.  He did everything he could to make me feel comfortable and stating “don’t ever do this with anyone else but me, you couldn’t and I don’t recommend it.”  He offered to give me his mother’s address and even call her, or call my friend and give him info to know that I was safe.  He was harmless he was another horny man who wanted to get some…

Getting back to the TV,  here is where it gets interesting, originally we spoke about watching Sunny in Philadelphia and laugh our asses off but as I flipped through the channels I was more excited to see a marathon of “To Catch a Predator” with Chris Hanson.  When this show was on I watched it faithfully, I watched it on the phone with my friend Joe who lived in CT as we gave each other play by play commentary. I mean this show was like the Superbowl to me! and Arrested was in hook line and sinker, of course great minds right?

We snuggled up, YES snuggled up and watched pedophile after pedophile get “trapped” by the undercover cop that looked like a preteen with a chipmunk voice. We sat on edge as we watched for Chris Hanson to emerge from behind that curtain like Johnny Carson ready to deliver a monologue and welcome us to tonight’s show. We laughed and commented and somehow were still shocked at what we saw even though we had seen most of them.

Eventually our cuddle led to us laying down and spooning and during commercials we made out and then returned to the stories of the perverts. We wanted to have sex but we also wanted to watch this show. After one long series of commercials our makeout session got hotter and we began fondling each other and my blouse was unbuttoned and my bra undone as he teased and aroused my nipples we heard Chris Hanson say “but the transcript says you wanted to bend him over and FUCK him up the ass”.  He literally spit out my tit and began laughing, we couldn’t keep doing this it was entertaining but beginning to kill the mood.   We decided to switch shows.

After one episode of Sunny we were on our way to my bedroom. We had already spoken a bit about some of our preferences in bed but his direct nature and take charge attitude left nothing at all to chance.  He was assertive and aggressive but still collaborative closely incorporating my wants and desires by asking me or by responding to the reactions I was having. He talked dirty—*sigh* this is something I like, it’s rare but it works for me, he was directive, inquisitive and dirty in conversation.   Again THIS WORKS FOR ME.  It was a perfect combination of what I had been needing and wanting.  He was particularly masterful at oral really getting directly to the source and repeatedly getting me off.  I helped and participated, my body literally tensed up, trembled, shook and spasmed …..repeatedly, but he never stopped I had to push his head up and away when I couldn’t take anymore.  There was no zone that went unattended when he asked how I wanted it I told him from behind and he immediately moved into position.  My body responded and as his did his, he slowed down and stopped himself from climaxing too soon to prolong it for me, he continued to please me as before he was ready to resume. The dirty talk was in full swing we were both turned on and ready to climax.  He asked me to let him know when and as he was literally speaking that sentence a loud I began to cum and moan loudly and so did he. He immediately went down again and I almost snapped my neck arching my back so hard.  I was breathing hard, relaxed but jumpy to the touch and uber sensitive like pins and needles were all over my body.

We laid in bed talked, told each other stories, I scratched his back and drank water.  We laughed at what he was going to tell his parents as he walked in the door at 2:30 am when his Dad asked where he was. We got up after almost an hour and got dressed then moved to the couch again snuggling up and resumed watching To Catch a Predator, he left about a half hour later, I ate the personal pizza he had brought me and watched Chris Hanson question perverts as I giggled at the perversions I had just indulged in.   All I want for Xmas was Casual Cunnilingus and Santa sure delivered.

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12/3/11 WHAT THE FUCK DO MEN WANT?/10

Seriously ?  Dating men is really no easier than woman I don’t know what I thought I remembered.  I take some responsibility and have to remember to think sometimes rather than react or respond from gut which I like and feel comfortable doing. I have to “breathe” pause and evaluate the situation and ask more questions ask the brave questions to get the answers which leave no room for assumptions and if I don’t I have no one to blame but myself for it. So in part I’m not entirely mad at him I’m irritated with myself as well because I know better and I am capable of more. It’s been a precarious few weeks since our break up transitioning to friends was interesting, I mean since K, you would think I would be an expert but going from lovers to BFF is a strange path.

In actuality I had been denying something, denying that my feelings wouldn’t get in the way. It’s different to break up with someone you still like romantically but you know they can’t deliver on what you need and want so you cut your losses and figure ok we can at least be friends cause I like you and you like me and you make me laugh.  The problem is the expectations change and you (I) remain sensitive to the your (our) interactions until those feelings dissipate, you meet someone new or they piss you off. My remedy is well,  I got pissed off, that was my ready set go to spring into friendship.

Throughout our time well at the beginning there was no doubt in my mind he was looking for something more along the lines of a relationship, it was a short time but he was hard core, with what he said, how he felt , the flirting the planning, I mean he wanted to spend Thanksgiving  night pampering ourselves at a hotel in the city-that’s a “we have been dating for a while” activity to me. He asked about religion, if I wanted kids and made a list of all the things he liked about me including the “I believe she would be a kind and caring step parent”. Now come on I couldn’t have to read into this, who fabricates this kind of stuff. Someone wanting to laid or someone having strong feelings for someone? Or both?

I took it hook line and sinker thinking “wow amazing a man who doesn’t play games, a man who lays it all out there, a man I do not need mind reading skills to date. Enter Thanksgiving night by now I had felt him pulling away the small simple things of the everyday set your watch like clockwork never late never forgets “good morning sweetie, honey, baby, blah blah text” the “miss yous” the “hey gorgeous”  and  more direct “your hot” “ I want you” “ best kisser ever” texts. Oh yes ladies these were given multiple times on a daily basis and there was no reason for me to think they were fake and I don’t know that I think that now but when it suddenly chills out you have to wonder.

I have read from some “relationship expert” this is what men do, they back off they pull back, for various reasons and that this is natural and the response that woman have to is to be more available and bend over backwards to maintain the “what once was”-and that’s exactly what I did, therefore according to the experts becoming less appealing because I was no longer mysterious.

I had this discussion with another smart beautiful successful woman, “Gabriela why do I do this?, why do we do this? Why do we then check our phones? Jesus I have a life and pretty great one so why is time stopping for a text?”  The only conclusion I can draw is because we all want to be loved and appreciated, that’s a pretty good reason to act a fool but unfortunately some relationships do not recover from such mistakes.  So even though I asked “is everything ok?, are you mad at me?” that did not trigger him to reveal more about what he was thinking and feeling. According to the expert this is the “hallmark error” woman make.

It wasn’t until after Thanksgiving night when I felt some distance between us in actual real time rather than over text that I got brave and asked more specific questions.  The next day I asked him to be honest and confronted him about his feelings changing and he responded, well kinda.  “I guess I’m a little, well a lot guarded these days and I have a hard time getting into and staying in a serious relationship. It sucks I know, you are a wonderful person but we might be on different timetables as afar as relationships go”.

Different time table?  Now this could be interpreted in a number of ways:

1)I’m in the process of trying to end a 12 year marriage and fighting for custody so my priorities lady are somewhere else  aka  I like you but bad timing

2) I liked you a lot and now that we slept together I still like you but I’m not chasing you as I was before and frankly that’s what I like

3) I’m really only available for something light and easy a kinda FWB situation because I can’t even imagine getting into something serious right now

4) It’s time for me to sow my wild outs and spread my seed I’m free for the first time in 12 years well almost free and I need to explore that.

5) Thanks we are done but you’re awesome, high five babes

What I chose to interpret it as was “I can’t give you what you want because I’m not ready and I’m not in any position to get serious with anyone” with a dash of “I want something light, easy and unattached” this allowed him to still look favorable in my eyes and not at fault of anything and probably stroked my ego too.

So with that interpretation in mind I broke up with him. I first told him all the wonderful things about him that I adored and liked and then I offered my friendship. He said nice things back and accepted my friendship. Easy peasy right? Eh not so much, we talked about hanging out as friends and did once the day after I broke up with him where he proceeded to get faced and I became the babysitter (this shoulda been my first second or third warning) but noooo I gave more I drove him home, I took care of him, I cooked him breakfast, I told him I worried about him and he passed out on the toilet for about an hour. He did finally come out when I said I was leaving and hugged me and thanked me and then tried to kiss me but I didn’t kiss him back. I hugged him and left.

I have no idea, most woman would have run for the hills and considered him too damaged to like or love or date. I liked that he put all of his baggage up front, the divorce , the custody, the lawyers, the depression he has struggled with and goes to therapy for weekly, the medication he takes to control the depression, the ex, the back and forth between the homes. All of that, I accepted him where he was at, for who he was, a lesson learned from my last relationship but doing that does not a bond create.

We had an interesting conversation about what he wanted or more so he kept asking me WHAT I THOUGHT he wanted and I just always said I had no idea and that I had been wrong on all accounts so I threw the question back at him which he never answered he only told me what his therapist thought:  that he was unable of accepting outside validation and was trying to replace the whole his mom had left with him. Seems cliché doesn’t it? I mean we can only blame our parents for our problems for so long before we take over and do something about it. I’m not trying to judge him only reflecting on my path with my mother.  He was slippery when I tried to pin him down on if he thought his therapist was right or what it was that he was looking for. As I have communicated more and more with him I notice he hides, he never answers those questions or acknowledges those comments that he feels uncomfortable addressing. I thought I was good using humor to deflect vulnerability he is an expert and he becomes a hard of hearing, visually impaired mute. I know another read flag that he doesn’t get serious (he admits) and maybe isn’t emotionally ready for some things.

I guess that is how he feels, I don’t know, I just know that he ignores those questions/texts but comments on the text right before it and right after it, conveniently.  I have put him on the hot seat before and go back and grill grill grill reasking the question till he answers but I neither have the time, patience or energy to do so. I did it for a year and a half with K when I dated her.

I had romantic feelings for him probably up until last night when this conversation took place and I thought “what are you doing? Why are you holding on to feelings for this guy”

Last night we were texting and he was complaining about Match.com as we do and I said “don’t worry you’ll find your friend with benefits tomorrow”  “I don’t want a FWB why do you say that? “  “cause it seems liked that from many of our conversations, interactions and comments in fact it was the reason I thought we should stop seeing each other because that’s what I thought you wanted”.  My assumptions were obviously wrong but then he made no attempt to clarify or communicate what indeed he was looking for. For some reason this made me mad, he has been pushing me to give a younger guy a chance and encouraging a FWB situation for me and I was letting that influence me and perhaps convince me to accept something less that what I wanted. Ultimately it is my choice and I can hardly blame him nor can I say he manipulated me but I let myself get caught up in that and adjusted for a guy-stupid.  I’m learning I’ve gone from one end of the spectrum to another. Never compromising or giving in to someone else’s needs to being overly accommodating.  So as with everything in life it is a readjustment and a learning process and this morning I woke up with a whole other attitude and I was really feeling myself today –got dressed up and walked with a spring in my step today with a I’m funny and darnit people like me attitude. Bottom line is I have much to learn and a lot of room to grow but I accept myself where I am at. The fact is with all that I have been through the past 2 years I’m more open that I have ever been and putting myself and my heart out there I realize well at times it just won’t work out as I hoped, I’ve only learned that I control far less than I thought in the past and my commitment is only to follow my karmic destiny or hero’s journey or whatever the new age phrase of the day it.  I’m in.

Update 12/31/11

We have actually transitioned to friends spent time together hanging out even on Xmas night and exchanging gifts. We talk the next morning he sits and drinks coffee I challenge his caveman ideas about relationships and woman and we talk about everything and anything. We laugh, we questions, we challenge, we ponder, we share about why we are the way we are, we reveal a little bit about ourselves as friends do when they trust each other and are building a friendship. He confide my fears although he already knows most of them and vice versa. We talk about our dates we bitch about our families. We support each other and remind each other that it’s ok to be him and ok to me and we are in our respective places /stages in life for a reason and we learn each and every day. I get mad at him sometimes and he apologizes, I get on my soapbox and he tells me I’m nuts but it works.  At first when I saw how much he drank I worried and thought I met him to be in his life as a friend but I needed a friend like him just as much. I am grateful we are here and while I figure out what life holds for me from here on out I have someone who can really relate.

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11.24.11 Men vs Woman/7

 Happy Fucking Thanksgiving. Yes the day we hack apart a carcass and serve it up to loved ones….yum. Having turned vegetarian my day consists of sides (ultimately better) and snacking although I have made a tofurky or some sort of other vegetarian roast to compete with the headless bird on the table.

Meat vs substitute. Was that what I was doing that year and half dating K? Just substituting a woman for a role I normally had with a man? Hard to say if I did, I had no idea on any conscious level but from an outsider yes it looks like a quick list of “you were never gay” you just played on our side of the playground awhile. With some lesbians this could get your ass kicked.  God forbid if you even think you might be bisexual then everyone thinks your greedy and just hogging up all the sides for youself cause you can’t decide if you want turkey or not.

I had an eye opening introduction to the gay community . I thought I was so down with it all, you know surrouding myself with lovely handsome, fun, caddy, well dressed gay men as friends. Lesbos are totally different, in fact I didn’t realize that often gay guys and hardcore non fem lezzies tend to not mix. Who knew. I had these discussions with a new friend Meg she lived most of her life as hetero thinking something was wrong with her, that she wasn’t a sexual person or might just go through life feeling “eh” about the current guy she was dating no matter how great they were. Then suddenly she started connecting the dots and found herself.  She is indeed a sexual being when touched by the right sex. GO MEG!  We had great discussions us both having lived a predomindately hetro life and now finding our gay (hers was a true discovery), we talked about how such a marginalized group then turns around and discriminates against their own kind, the labels, the catagories, the judgements.

I look back and no I don’t think I was ever really gay but people needed to catagorize me, they needed to be able to understand it in terms they were familiar with. I was less concerned of being identified as gay, I didn’t feel compelled to jump out of a closet of oppression, it just wasn’t my life, wasn’t my experience as a young adult. For this too I was judged-to really BE gay you must have had to go through that horrible torturous time of discovering your identity as an adolecent and I clearly did not. So yeah I went along with being called gay or a lesbian or whatever because I think it made other people feel comfortable including my partner. I just knew that I at that time in my life, I kissed a girl, and I liked it, simple as that I had no past to figure out, no “a ha” moment, no pain and identity issues from my childhood and no feeling of rejection because I prefered the same gender.  To real gays sometimes not having these experiences is not fair but everyone has their own path.

So fast forward to current time 11.24.11 I have been seeing/dating/fucking/whatevering a guy for the last month. He is funny, weird in a good way, unfiltered to say the least, and in some ways a beautiful mess himself. After our first date we decided to pretty much throw all our cards on the table. He is currently separated going through his second divorce fighting for custody of his two young daughters which they adopted. He has a son in his early twenties from his first marriage when he was very young. At times under the recommendation of his lawyer sleeps in his old house because it might force his ex to resolve matters more quickly if she has to deal with his presence in her space. He has an apartment down the street from his house where his ex lives and his kids go back and forth, he has a bedroom for his oldest son who stays there sometimes and then sometimes at his girlfriends. He’s a caretaker and a half, I like that, I admire that, I respect that.

So fine I think I’ll see your two exs, three kids, two divorces, and raise you with losing my dad, dog and brother all in the same year, putting my dog down because she badly bit the person I was dating resulting in hospitalization, and the person I was dating is the person I currently still live with….YES it’s true I live with my ex, oh and by the way SHE’S A GIRL. Let me know if you have any questions.

More or less that was the text I sent and then I waited holding my breath. The reaction was unexpected he was cool with it, asking great questions, trying to get a feel for what the full picture was.  Holy shit! I thought. After working through some of my details he followed up by telling me one more thing, one thing he says he doesn’t share until the 3rd date but what the hell we are pulling everything out of the closet so he figures let it rip. He tells me he suffers from full blown depression and gets treatment regularly and takes medication for it.

Damn he wins…..I snap back to reality and start firing questions. It is formally diagnosed? Do you ever go off your meds? What’s it like?

He answers everything I ask honestly and openly. I don’t know that this news scared me but I recall for a moment what it was like when K was going through her depression and it was hard, challenging and at times heartbreaking for me for many reasons but I don’t feel compelled to run away or jump ship or slowly stop texting away into obscurity until I officially delete his number.

From the get go I knew he was in therapy he talks about it openly and I thought well shit, good for you, everyone needs therapy been there done that several times it’s the fool who runs from his problems rather than tackles them head on (that was my ex) and not only do I think that’s great, well fuck, it turns me on.  Not the therapy part but the part that he is brave enough to do the work, do the digging and face the music so to speak.

Now what was the chance a person on his second divorce, fighting for custody, dealing with depression, in therapy, who sometimes lives back at his house to pressure his ex to negotiate would meet and ex lesbian still living with her ex (happily), after suffering from intense grief from losing her Dad and her brother and never dealt with it till a year later when she was dumped by her ex shortly after the anniversary of her brothers death and Xmas?

Come On!!! you can’t make this shit up. So I think we both figured fuck it let’s go with it and here I am negotiating my way back in the hetro world recalling why I struggled with dating in the first place. HA!

I over analyze, I over think and for as verbal and confrontational as I am there are just some feelings that you have to pry out of me, he sees this, he saw it almost instantly and told me I had trust issues. Yep he is right I certainly do, he linked them to my mom, yep they certainly are, he linked my strength, lack of need for approval and outspokeness to Dad, yep yep yep.

Whoa I thought it took K a year and a half to realize or see these things in me or herself and then the thought of actually talking about it out loud fucked her up royally.  I’m not trying to diminish her path, she has a quiet strength but dating a bull in a china shop like me pushed her over the edge.

So here I sit thinking what, why, how, when, where about this new guy. Will we be in each others lives long term, short term, as friends, lovers, in a relationship, semi relationship, weird undefined something. Ups and down, misunderstandings, miscommunication, stress from all the shit he is dealing with and going through will impact us and what we do or do not become.  I don’t think, no let me correct myself I’ve never sat in a position like this before with so much unknown before me and so much I cannot control.  THIS IS TOTALLY NOT ME! the only time I’ve experienced it was in travel when I was brave enough to throw all caution to the wind.

I would have never been in a situation like this 5 years ago everything that has happened in my life has brought me where I am at right now which is exactly where I need to be with the person I am supposed to be there with. Funny how life bring you that without fail-K came into my life when I needed someone most and much of what I learned in our failures prepares me for my next journey.

What do I want? sides? turkey? a substitute? a past, a present? a future? Guess time will tell but I’m enjoying him and the experiences we are having and to a small degree, a very small degree some of the uncertainty of it all.

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12/31/10 I’m gay, let’s go for Thai/3

Coming out was different for me, I’m 42 have a good sense of myself and am confident in who I am. I did not have to face the struggles that young people face when coming out I did not have the fears, insecurity or self doubt. I’m old enough to live my own life and say “fuck you” if you don’t like it get on board or get the hell off.So at 41 I fell in love and started to date a girl. She was and is amazing, breath taking intelligent, beautiful in a gentle non assuming way and wise wise wise. She is quiet, soft, delicious, loving and drinkable. She is and will forever be the love of my life, this is the person I have waited for forever and the person I have hurt the most because my whole life I had to fight and defend myself to survive in my household. It was crush or be crushed any sign on weakness and you were dead in the water. God bless my sister a sensitive type, someone who wears her emotions on her sleeve someone who was an easy target for my mother. When my mother was verbally assaulting her and she saw the crack begin to widen and my sisters eyes fill with tears because she was told she was stupid, worthless and whore or whatever her word of the day was…it was like a predator smelling the scent of their prey. Immediately she would attack my sister and tease her for crying, being weak, stupid and unable to control her emotions. She would tell her she was crazy and needed help because she was nothing more than a big cry baby and that this would be her downfall for the rest of her life and make her unsuccessful in anything she attempted.I watched, observed and quickly learned not to cry, no weakness was shown or I would be in the scope and she would finish me off. No way, my emotion of escape was anger to the 100th degree, stand and fight, be louder, be stronger, push back, say something equally mean or meaner, not go down without a fight, fight, fight, fight. It was how I survived suicide attempts by the age of 12. I knew better than to try again because I was punished severly by my mother when she was aware of the second time. “What are you crazy? now I have to treat you like a fucking baby? watch your every god damn move and babysit you like a kindergardener? Jesus Christ what the hell is matter with you? !SLAP! Why are you making so much work for me? !SLAP!”After finally letting me out of the bathroom I heard her walk casually through the front room and spew with a sigh of exasperation “Your sister tried to kill herself tonight, what to you think of that?” My brother sat on the couch blankly staring ahead at the TV saying nothing. She then arrived to the kitchen and said the same comment to my Dad who said “Oh my god.” That was it. If it wasn’t for my sister L I would have never even seen a doctor about it. She understood that pain, she knew how deep it went and she was the only one to try to take some action.

I anticipated the day I would finally start telling my friends, “I’m in love with a girl.” M and K were the first, then my nieces, then E and D. The funny part is that I did it at the same Thai restaurant each time I was begining to think the waitress would walk up and just say “she gay, I take yur orda?” Each group of friends and loved ones was supportive, happy and could see the pureness of my bliss. It was unmistakenly there I literally was walking on air. M was curious and had lots of questions. L had some of the same questions but was also so excited by the potential of two people she loved and respected so much coming together. As time went on I shared it with more and more of my friends/coworkers.  My bosses know, my immediate friends and people I am close to know, K is a big part of my life.

There were so many amazingly loving, beautiful, deeply connecting moments we shared. There were also struggles that we endured that until recently we didn’t even know or understand that came from both of our childhoods. Now so much later after being in couples counseling for the last couple months we are trying to figure out if there is an “us” left to save. With the knowledge we both gained there is great potential, she discovered her dysfuntions and I jumped into mine head first and tore them open, getting past the anger and justification and arriving to the most painful part of my heart and psyche. So painful that in some moments I felt again that I might not be able to go on and survive the pain of reliving those moments. I’ve never known that there was so much I didn’t deal with, I thought I was past it, but as therapy began I remembered more and more about my childhood, telling K what used to be and what head games I was constantly dodging and trying to be one step ahead of. With each memory I was able to immediately link it back to our relationship. Like why I always needed to be right and why I would debate till end and stand my ground that her sweatshirt wasn’t red but burnt orange.

In the end it doesn’t matter but I was operating as I had as a child and giving in and giving up and being wrong or mistaken had earth shattering repercussions for me. I was no longer needing to defend and stand my ground, K wasn’t against me, she wasn’t going to hurt me, she wasn’t trying to defeat me but I couldn’t break my patterns and in the end it may have cost me the one person who ever really loved me and that I loved so.

We are so different but in some ways that is the beauty of it she provides me with what I will never fully understand or come to on my own. Her perspective, her heart, her smarts continously bring me to better places, she elevates me on every level even when she challenges me to move beyond my limitations. I love her deeply and the thought of us not succeeding and not staying together is beyond heart breaking and terrifying for me. Right now she needs space and time both of which can be a challenge for me because in my household the “silent treatment” meant a week of attacks, snide comments, your wet clothes being yanked out of the dryer and thrown in the driveway, hearing everyone called to the dinner table and invited to eat except you, the silent treatment was hell week. But K isn’t my mother and her quiet time, where she needs to think, regroup, recharge and pull her thoughts together isn’t about punishing me or sending me a message that I’m not loved although I let it trick my head because it triggered the insecurities of my childhood. She’s taking time so that she can be considerate and think about what she needs, what must her next step be. She is literally thoughtful in her process and if I think of it that way I can cherish the idea that she needs that time away from me. I can cherish and respect that she loves and thinks so deeply that rather than be impulsive and reactive she stops and uses her heart and her head together. I told you she is amazing

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