So match.com which I am now on a break from I get an email well really a mismatched response to my “date spark”. A date spark is an idea you have for a date, it’s attached to your profile and it’s sort of an ice breaker if someone wants to talk to you but no one uses it like this. Especially Arrested. I’ll call him Arrested because our first conversation was solidified buy our twisted senses of humor and our love for Arrested Development.

He responded despite the fact that he lives in Texas to my “date spark” my date spark is to go to the contemporary art museum in the city and his response to it was “good kissers are so hard to find.”  I NEVER respond to out of towners they annoy me because I think I’m not in the same town WHY WHY WHY do you write? I usually delete, I usually ignore but NOOOOOOOO not this time and the result was 6 orgasms.

After literally 1 email we were on the phone ripping on each other, talking about our favorite shows and spinning an analogy that had me as Charlie collecting a GOLD TICKET and him as Willy Wonka offering to redeem it for outstanding make out session.  The conversation flowed; we practically stepped on each other  finishing  each other’s sentences, punch lines, dirty comments, smartass remarks and weird vocabulary. To say we were in sync is an understatement. He offered well…..anything I wanted. He was originally from Chicago and was coming to visit family for Xmas, he missed Chicago and all the food it has to offer such as Lou Malnattis pizza and Portillos.  We joked he would show up with a pizza, we’d drink some beer, watch some Arrested or Sunny in Philadelphia and make the fuck out all night and if it lead to something else such as me getting great oral—so be it …..it was all up to me.

Hmmmmmm let me get this right, you are basically telling me you will come over and go down on me? Yep.  Who would turn this down? Probably most people since this person essentially was a total stranger, every once in a while that would creep back into my head and give me some hesitation but I felt like I knew him, after all the late night talks till 3am and sometimes very very flirty borderline sexual conversation I felt like I knew him and could possibly accept this Christmas Cunnilingus.  I mean if someone offers to come over and service you, well  damit you give it some consideration……right?  It was like a romantic comedy without all the bullshit, I mean, yes, it is easier for woman to get sex than perhaps men but I’ve never had someone so brazen and so directly tell me in 15 different ways that they would eat my cookie repeatedly.  It became a joke where I would repeat it back saying I was having trouble reading between the lines.

He was my Santa willing to go South. He was funny, charming, direct, bold, a potty mouth, a twisted little shit that could banter with me to the wee hours of the morning, make me laugh, make me think, and dare I say call my ass out. All three which act as aphrodisiacs for me in fact it’s like the trifecta. I was curious, I was intrigued, I only maintained a slight hesitation, I was very bluntly turned on he knew it and I knew it I was the only one pretending to be coy.

Eventually that night came it was the Monday after Xmas we made plans for him to come over I gotta say the anticipation was killing me. He stopped to get a pizza which I thought was for us but he had eaten pizza earlier with his family and so got a delivery from a guy that was coming over to go down on me and fuck me…..it was like a porno except before I got to sucking him off we cuddled up on the couch and watched TV for a while.  He did everything he could to make me feel comfortable and stating “don’t ever do this with anyone else but me, you couldn’t and I don’t recommend it.”  He offered to give me his mother’s address and even call her, or call my friend and give him info to know that I was safe.  He was harmless he was another horny man who wanted to get some…

Getting back to the TV,  here is where it gets interesting, originally we spoke about watching Sunny in Philadelphia and laugh our asses off but as I flipped through the channels I was more excited to see a marathon of “To Catch a Predator” with Chris Hanson.  When this show was on I watched it faithfully, I watched it on the phone with my friend Joe who lived in CT as we gave each other play by play commentary. I mean this show was like the Superbowl to me! and Arrested was in hook line and sinker, of course great minds right?

We snuggled up, YES snuggled up and watched pedophile after pedophile get “trapped” by the undercover cop that looked like a preteen with a chipmunk voice. We sat on edge as we watched for Chris Hanson to emerge from behind that curtain like Johnny Carson ready to deliver a monologue and welcome us to tonight’s show. We laughed and commented and somehow were still shocked at what we saw even though we had seen most of them.

Eventually our cuddle led to us laying down and spooning and during commercials we made out and then returned to the stories of the perverts. We wanted to have sex but we also wanted to watch this show. After one long series of commercials our makeout session got hotter and we began fondling each other and my blouse was unbuttoned and my bra undone as he teased and aroused my nipples we heard Chris Hanson say “but the transcript says you wanted to bend him over and FUCK him up the ass”.  He literally spit out my tit and began laughing, we couldn’t keep doing this it was entertaining but beginning to kill the mood.   We decided to switch shows.

After one episode of Sunny we were on our way to my bedroom. We had already spoken a bit about some of our preferences in bed but his direct nature and take charge attitude left nothing at all to chance.  He was assertive and aggressive but still collaborative closely incorporating my wants and desires by asking me or by responding to the reactions I was having. He talked dirty—*sigh* this is something I like, it’s rare but it works for me, he was directive, inquisitive and dirty in conversation.   Again THIS WORKS FOR ME.  It was a perfect combination of what I had been needing and wanting.  He was particularly masterful at oral really getting directly to the source and repeatedly getting me off.  I helped and participated, my body literally tensed up, trembled, shook and spasmed …..repeatedly, but he never stopped I had to push his head up and away when I couldn’t take anymore.  There was no zone that went unattended when he asked how I wanted it I told him from behind and he immediately moved into position.  My body responded and as his did his, he slowed down and stopped himself from climaxing too soon to prolong it for me, he continued to please me as before he was ready to resume. The dirty talk was in full swing we were both turned on and ready to climax.  He asked me to let him know when and as he was literally speaking that sentence a loud I began to cum and moan loudly and so did he. He immediately went down again and I almost snapped my neck arching my back so hard.  I was breathing hard, relaxed but jumpy to the touch and uber sensitive like pins and needles were all over my body.

We laid in bed talked, told each other stories, I scratched his back and drank water.  We laughed at what he was going to tell his parents as he walked in the door at 2:30 am when his Dad asked where he was. We got up after almost an hour and got dressed then moved to the couch again snuggling up and resumed watching To Catch a Predator, he left about a half hour later, I ate the personal pizza he had brought me and watched Chris Hanson question perverts as I giggled at the perversions I had just indulged in.   All I want for Xmas was Casual Cunnilingus and Santa sure delivered.