taking stock

#27 Food for thought questions 12/22/14

 

Getting back to an post I did a short while back I had posed some questions given to me by guru whose meditation class I attend each week.  I’ll start by reflecting and responding to the first 3.

1. What is the greatest thing about my life right now? What am I missing?

I’m back to me, back to feeling like me, back to taking care of me, back to not giving things up that make me…me to try and fix an unfixable situation.  What am I missing? a new challenge and new discovery I think I might need to return back to my origins of travel and writing about those experiences.  How do I balance the grown up life I have now with the wanderlust I lived 4 years ago? What else is holding me back? Learning how to trust and release and balance my masculine and feminine energies.

2. If I had all the money (resources, love) what would I be doing on a daily basis? Pretty much what I do now it’s fulfilling.

3. What is my prime motivation now? What is holding me back? Learning how I can settle down, finding the one.  What is holding me back? finding the one. It’s ultimately what I want but it’s also scary.

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Fucking Beer and Coffee #17

Ahh it’s been a while a long while but don’t think I have become this uber well adjusted picket fence pillow princess.  Well PP sounds nice anyway. Usually I find myself here after a major life change breakups, deaths, loss of a pet, new sex or just mood change.

What has happened in my life since we last spoke. I was in a relationship with a WAY to recently divorced man, 6 months, did I learn nothing from F??? This one was all jump into commitment and frankly I have been bit by the commitment bug so I thought. With my friends getting married, having babies and purchasing home with lawns to be cared for I was left thinking, “am I missing something?” So I drank the koolaid yes I jumped into an predoomed relationship, with Jim kids and  grandkids, exes, a family with no boundaries whatsofuckeneva.  I did it. I actually enjoyed the begining I think one of things I loved about him most was his family since mine is fucked up as are most I realize.  His mother she was a gift, a sassy, sex havin, world traveling, f bomb dropping grandma.  I clicked with her immediately. First time I met her was at Thanksgiving, well I met them all that day, I had only met his son before that.  By the end of dinner she was arranging the date to have Xmas at her house and invited me and arranged to have it on a day my family would not be celebrating the holiday.   When Jim returned to the table I said to him “I hoped you planned on inviting me to Xmas because your mother just did”.   I think that’s why it was even more traumatic for me when she died 8 months later.  It reawoke so much pain from losing my brother and in the end of her days they were in the hospital, trachea tube, unable to talk, in comas the only difference is I refused to see my brother like that and never went during that time to the hospital. I only wanted support Jim and it became a point of contention me trying to be his soft place to land and his need to put on a brave face, it was one of last nails in our coffin.  Once he let me in literally I was terrified and reluctant to see his mother in such a frail and dimished state.  Her bubbly, wise crackin, cackling,  warm personality a memory as I watched her slip away.   I had fantasies that if Jim and I married I would be close with her and she would become a mother of sorts to me. I would have liked that although I realized she would have also annoyed me with her proverbial two cents here and there but in that I still love having you in my life sorta way.

The first sign of trouble with Jim was when he wanted to have sex more than I did.  He brought it up but it was only much later did I realize I didn’t want him in the same way or as frequently because he wasn’t doing it for me.  Now he is a good person and I believe has a good heart but there are things he needs to work on as we all do but he at least needs to get started.  At the start of our relationship he was plagued with sexual issues.  He had a hard time getting it up, repeatedly.  I was patient, very patient and understanding and I tried everything to help it along but frankly I couldn’t get that dick up with a crane.  He claimed it was because he was a little intimated by me a total opposite from his uneducated, got knocked up, never worked, housewife laying on the couch watching Montel ex wife.  Who incidentally cheated on him 2x once fucking their neighbor that lived right next door to them. Jim responded by putting up a tall fence and back to business as usual. RED FLAG!!!

Anyway back to to us.  So when it came time to discuss the sex or lack there of or whatever he got very defense and it always became an argument.  I never once complained about his flaccid friend but what I did complain about is that he didn’t make sure I came, that I got off,  and that was building a slow but solid resentment reservoir.   He always wanted to fuck in the morning before work but he got up at 4am and I didn’t have to get up till 630 but I wasn’t going to fall back and asleep.  On occasion it was fine but if I am going to get woken up and be dog ass tired all day then you better make it worth my while and take it to completion…..mine not just yours.

I didn’t want to to have copious amounts of sex time because I wasn’t getting off in the way I needed.  I did on occasion but it was my efforts typically or the use of a toy.  It really wasn’t until the very end literally the week we broke up that the sex got good but by then it was all grudge fucking.   The most difficult part is that EVERY SINGLE time after we had sex and we were laying there panting he would say “that was good wasn’t it”  and I tried everyway to affirm without agreeing because I knew it would end in fight because his ego was so fragile.  I would wait till later to be like “hey I didn’t cum and I really need to when we are making love, you shouldn’t just stop, try using your hand or try…..yadda yadda yadda”  My suggestions changed from time to time but his reply was always the same, he didn’t feel he could because he was afraid  he couldn’t touch me the way he wanted or that I would complain or some other shit that basically made it my fault why I just had a lousy lay.  FUCK YOU JIM and fuck me for putting up with that for any length of time.  FUCK his ego and FUCK his issues and FUCK his weak ass bullshit insecurities WE ALL HAVE THEM but we keep living life rather than fearing it.

We or I should say he dumped me early August I don’t why I held on so long partly the reliving of my losses when his mom passed, the fake stability he seemed to offer and my want to be a part of a we instead of just me.  Even as fabulous as I am I realize I do not want to be found 7 days after I have died from choking on a kalamatta olive which my face have eaten off my dog.  In this 10 month brutalness I forgot me I forgot to take care of me and put my needs first.  That hasn’t happened to me but the sickness of him mom put me in a place that made it impossible for even a bitch like to me break up or even see I was miserable and hated my life with him. I cried for about a week and then on his birthday but then each day got easier really strangely easier in a rapid amount of time.  I realized this wasn’t really love I was playing house and caretaker for everyone else.  We struggled to remain friends and he made it loud and clear that he didn’t mean it when he said he wanted to still be friendly.  I recently contacted him about his son who reached out to me and out of respect before talking with his son I contacted him to make sure he was ok with it….nothing, no response, to my attempts.  It pissed me off and bothered me that he hadn’t changed and that he was a fake ass bullshitter because he couldn’t be truthful or strong.  I quickly forgot that temporary slip and accepted his path and got back on my own.

I found a nice transitional FWB that treated my vaginal fulfillment like a sport.  Like a sport where you  are watching the MVP on his best day ever, performing with finesse, skill, commitment, passion for the game, and scoring…..repeatedly.

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8/15/12 The long and winding road #16

This indeed has been along road I have traveled. When I first starting writing this blog I was getting over two majoy deaths in my family and a major break up and the death of my dog.  Lately I have been wondering what is next in life but rather than worry about my future I will now just really discuss and write about my present.  That will basically involve funny or not so funny stories about my friends some new some old, soccer games, work and last but not least my dating life which has consisted of an almost date with a vampire but I just couldn’t go through with it and a date with an unexpected “lifestyles” expert….yes it’s what you think.  Before I move on to a very different flavor of stories I want to thank a few people who I love and who have been or who are a big part of my life and were there when I needed support the most.

Mary C, Kellie L, Nizzi, Gabriela V, my vet, my ex at times, my second ex after “the” ex, a yoga teacher, my boxing coach, Clarke, Smitty, Dawn C, Unz, Psher, Lucy, TBear, Becks even through her own battles, any book written by Susan Jeffers. You all are my blessings in life thank you.

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waiting

waiting

Time to move on…………

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Fucked up but true ass shit/14

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“True Love is one of the rarest jewels of life, treasure it with all your heart. When you find someone who loves you just as you are, is steadfast during moments of stress, willing to grow with you and allows you to feel however you choose to feel in any moment – there is nothing more you will ever find in a person. You’ve found True Love when you feel fear; fear of vulnerability, fear of abandonment and fear of letting go of your own stubborn egoic patterns that keep the real you separate and safe from the other. Trust in love and go towards your fear, taking this leap of faith in every moment is the journey Love requires for its sweet reward.”
– Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

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3/7/12 From Hell to Heaven in a day /13

At 4am amid racing thoughts about me, my second time around relationship attempt with F, my estranged relationship with my mother and the journey to really learn how to take risk, open up, be vulnerable to others and to be able to accept the love that others have for me and can and want to give me I went from one extreme to another on this day March 7th, I began the day crying literally sobbing in saddness typing madly on my Blackberry an email to my therapist and ended the day crying with laughter and love typing madly on my laptop a dialogue to my friends……..here are my extremes.

Because I didn’t have a nurturing parent-who hugged, consoled me when I was hurt, in pain or struggling I learned to convince myself that I didn’t need it I probably had to because I wasn’t getting it. Even more so began to believe or tell myself it was weak or pathetic to require such hand holding, or to have such dependency on someone.  Rather because I did it all for myself I thought that’s how it should always be, internal rather than external.  Now dating Fred I’m realizing what I need in a relationship-I need that support, that kind of love, I need to feel watched over, taken care of, protected, helped, and nurtured, I need a safe place to land at the end of the day.  I used to think it was such bullshit when woman needed that because I thought they weren’t independent or self-sufficient, strong, smart, wise or capable if they had to depend on others for strength, happiness, courage or support.
I conditioned myself to be able to go without seeking that, getting that or worse yet conditioned myself to not accept that from people who loved me. I never realized or understood how distant that made me from others and how I was denying myself the opportunity to be loved.  I hope to find a man that holds my heart gently, kindly and lovingly.  Someone who can hold me in their arms when I’m sad and in that moment make me feel safe.  I once remember us talking about me having to self sooth while in my last relationship. I think what know now is that I am capable of it, I’ve done it my entire life no one has ever whisked me up in their arms or come to my rescue during a weak or hard or scary moment.   I can do it but I’m so fucking tired of doing it, I’m tired of taking care of everything myself and not having that partner in my corner who is there when I need them.  I’m not blaming all past loves, on some levels they may have not been capable themselves of giving it to me but I never allowed them to love me like this either.


I think about when you said we are the little girl in relationships that hurt vulnerable scared child that craves what our hot shot competent take no prisoners alter adult ego does not.  I’ve never really acknowledged the little girl in me, I ignored her and didn’t pay attention to her just as my mother did. I denied her needs to basically make it through the day, for the past 20 something years.
She deserves to have her needs met just as I deserved as a child, just because she never had that doesn’t have to mean she never can.  She doesn’t have to take care of herself all by herself all the time, she doesn’t have to take care or her older siblings, she doesn’t have to keep everyone in line, be the voice of reason or set the family straight.   She has a right to be cared for and to feel like the little sister not the oldest sister or person in charge of everything.  She doesn’t have to always be the one to get the group gift, cook the dinner, make the phone call, send the text and she can feel ok about that knowing that she deserves to be important enough to someone else instead to receive all those things from them.

INSERT HEAVY HEARTED DAY WHERE MY EMOTIONS WERE BARELY UNDER THE SURFACE AND I WAS JUST A MESS IN GENERAL LEADING ME TO THE END OF MY DAY WHEN THINGS BEGAN TO TURN AROUND.

This email was entitled  Why Teaching Makes me Happy:

I’m going on my 4th hour of straight testing, stuck in my cave office, pounding headache mostly because when the kids read aloud they feel the need to read as though they are in a wind tunnel, or as I type this a student is going on 30 min of humming the “Star Wars” theme. Regardless I as always have another conversation that will bring a smile to your face I know it did mine.

L: Ms A, you know who’s awesome?

Me: Who?

L: You! try and remember that ok?

Me: Yeah thanks Leo (smiling big)

L: You should say it to yourself in the morning everyday don’t forget it (as he winks and points his finger at me)

Me: (Laughing)–Yes that’s a great idea I should do that more often, I will try

L: I’m just saying maybe make it your ringtone, if you think about it

Me:(Laughing harder) –I can’t think of a better idea, thank you Leo that’s really nice of you to say you have made my day for sure

L:Yeeeeah, I like giving compliments to my teachers, makes me feel all warm and tingly kinda like under my ribs

Me: That’s an interesting reaction, I can see that you enjoy making people feel good, we are lucky to have you as our student I’m really gonna miss you next year

L: Yeah……(short silence)………I’ll come visit, hey did you know I’m really good at those “that’s what she said jokes?”

Me: Great but maybe those aren’t appropriate for school but I will look forward to your visits, but I really need you to focus and get back to work now

L: Easy peasey lemon squeezy

3 min of Silence he works on a couple questions and suddenly speaks up again

L: I like you

Me: laughing to the point now where I begin to cry THANK YOU L! Thank you so much for telling me that it really makes me feel good about being your teacher. (I have to take off my glasses and wipe my eyes)

L: Hey what does optimistic mean?

Me: It means having a good attitude, so if your are having a bad day you can think “tomorrow is gonna be much better”

L: Oooooh like you do??

Me: I try (laughing harder to the point I start coughing) to which Leo pats me on the back and says……

wait for it …….wait for it…… “GO AHEAD SISTA, LET IT ALLLLLLL OUT”

Me: L you rock!!!

L: Awwww Ms. A I’m flattered to get a compliment from a woman like you-Zing! right in the heart.

Later he proceeds to burp recalling the taste of chips from his lunch…..ahhhhhhh what more could I hope for today!!!! : )

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I’m What Willis Was Talkin ‘Bout/12

So I find myself writing after much time off.   Some significant changes and some small changes have occured since  my last post some other things have, I guess in some small ways remained the same.   That should give me comfort but not always.  Since last posting the following has happened.

1. I moved out from living with my ex who I lived with for exactly one year after our breakup.  The fighting was becoming too much.  I was disliking who I was becoming and hating her for who she was.

2. The last week under the same roof when we finally began talking, at times even laughing and trying to be civil and remember we were friends I pulled out of my garage and smashed my car into hers.  I swear it was an accident.  I sat on the wet pavement in the driveway and cried for 15 minutes. 

3. I grew a closer friendship with my other ex  “F” the first guy I dated after K.   He is still in my life and an important part of it , we have been a good support for each other and great fun. He is my confidant and at times my advisor,  we tell each other everything I mean everything.  We should probably have more filters but we don’t.  As I type I’m awaiting to hear how his date went tonight, I’m a bit embarassed to admit I  feel some jealously.

4. My good friend and strongest bad ass woman I know was diagnosed with breast cancer. Within a week of that diagnosis she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer which had spread to her lungs, spine, liver, both breasts and ribs.  As I write this she is in chemo and radiation.   She just shaved her hair completely off 2 days ago-she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen.  So vulnerable and strong at the same time I want to hug her and worship her simultaneously.

5. I have joined just about every dating site there is to join eharm, match, POF, yadda yadda in hopes of moving forward finding my Mr Oh so perfect for me. I have gotten various requests asking if I was DTF -Down To Fuck or nut cases with little to say and less of a brain to know when not to speak at all.

6. I have been forced to reorganize my finances now that I am living alone again. Easier said than done sometimes.

7. I have seen and met with girlfriends in different stages of their lives-a newly expectant mother, an engaged bride to be, a newly rejuvenated 40 something opening up for the first time in her life to love and letting her walls down, an intelligent woman on the cusp of a life altering moment of deciding when enough is enough with her currently married boyfriend.  I love them all I am grateful for their friendship. They force me to reflect on my life.

Since 2009 December has sucked for me, one year the death of my brother, the next the break up of my relationship, and now moving from a place I had lived for the past 8 years. I spent my holiday battling my family my mother mostly and then escaped to “F’s”  house where I finally felt relaxed.

As always I excel at work, really do well, overachieve, outperform, get the job done and make it happen.  However I have recently begun to feel like this is not translating to my personal life.  Well it never has this isnt new.  I entertain fantasies of running away to France, sitting at cafes smoking and awaiting a man that allows me to play the role of a mistress in his life.  A role that leaves us fulfilled temporarily while we are together but allows me the detachment I seem to always need and live in.  

I feel lost, I feel underwelmed and it has hit me so sudden.  The routines of daily life are boring me, I feel stagnant, I feel repetative.  I feel like other people are on fast forward or at least play but for a while I have been hitting the rewind button.  I read books, I try meditation, I “think positive thoughts” but as I sit here I feel like nothing is changing. 

I’m restarting therapy tomorrow and the thought of discussing my friend who has Cancer leaves me unsettled. I am not looking forward to revisiting the idea of loss.  I have barely started putting myself back together from the past 2 years and when I think of her I begin to unravel again.  Everything else becomes an augmented verision of loss even when its no where near a death. I  just can’t keep losing, I need stability, I need a guarantee, I need consistency.  This is so unfathomable to a person who never remained still, who ran from conformity, who wanted nothing to do with commitment and kids.   I have happiness, guilt, love, care, aggravation, disappointment, fun, carefree, heavy and guarded.  What do I want? wants and needs, just when I’m absolutely sure it changes or I realize indeed what I thought I needed or wanted was neither. 

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