At 4am amid racing thoughts about me, my second time around relationship attempt with F, my estranged relationship with my mother and the journey to really learn how to take risk, open up, be vulnerable to others and to be able to accept the love that others have for me and can and want to give me I went from one extreme to another on this day March 7th, I began the day crying literally sobbing in saddness typing madly on my Blackberry an email to my therapist and ended the day crying with laughter and love typing madly on my laptop a dialogue to my friends……..here are my extremes.
Because I didn’t have a nurturing parent-who hugged, consoled me when I was hurt, in pain or struggling I learned to convince myself that I didn’t need it I probably had to because I wasn’t getting it. Even more so began to believe or tell myself it was weak or pathetic to require such hand holding, or to have such dependency on someone. Rather because I did it all for myself I thought that’s how it should always be, internal rather than external. Now dating Fred I’m realizing what I need in a relationship-I need that support, that kind of love, I need to feel watched over, taken care of, protected, helped, and nurtured, I need a safe place to land at the end of the day. I used to think it was such bullshit when woman needed that because I thought they weren’t independent or self-sufficient, strong, smart, wise or capable if they had to depend on others for strength, happiness, courage or support.
I conditioned myself to be able to go without seeking that, getting that or worse yet conditioned myself to not accept that from people who loved me. I never realized or understood how distant that made me from others and how I was denying myself the opportunity to be loved. I hope to find a man that holds my heart gently, kindly and lovingly. Someone who can hold me in their arms when I’m sad and in that moment make me feel safe. I once remember us talking about me having to self sooth while in my last relationship. I think what know now is that I am capable of it, I’ve done it my entire life no one has ever whisked me up in their arms or come to my rescue during a weak or hard or scary moment. I can do it but I’m so fucking tired of doing it, I’m tired of taking care of everything myself and not having that partner in my corner who is there when I need them. I’m not blaming all past loves, on some levels they may have not been capable themselves of giving it to me but I never allowed them to love me like this either.
I think about when you said we are the little girl in relationships that hurt vulnerable scared child that craves what our hot shot competent take no prisoners alter adult ego does not. I’ve never really acknowledged the little girl in me, I ignored her and didn’t pay attention to her just as my mother did. I denied her needs to basically make it through the day, for the past 20 something years.
She deserves to have her needs met just as I deserved as a child, just because she never had that doesn’t have to mean she never can. She doesn’t have to take care of herself all by herself all the time, she doesn’t have to take care or her older siblings, she doesn’t have to keep everyone in line, be the voice of reason or set the family straight. She has a right to be cared for and to feel like the little sister not the oldest sister or person in charge of everything. She doesn’t have to always be the one to get the group gift, cook the dinner, make the phone call, send the text and she can feel ok about that knowing that she deserves to be important enough to someone else instead to receive all those things from them.
INSERT HEAVY HEARTED DAY WHERE MY EMOTIONS WERE BARELY UNDER THE SURFACE AND I WAS JUST A MESS IN GENERAL LEADING ME TO THE END OF MY DAY WHEN THINGS BEGAN TO TURN AROUND.
This email was entitled Why Teaching Makes me Happy:
I’m going on my 4th hour of straight testing, stuck in my cave office, pounding headache mostly because when the kids read aloud they feel the need to read as though they are in a wind tunnel, or as I type this a student is going on 30 min of humming the “Star Wars” theme. Regardless I as always have another conversation that will bring a smile to your face I know it did mine.
L: Ms A, you know who’s awesome?
L: You! try and remember that ok?
Me: Yeah thanks Leo (smiling big)
L: You should say it to yourself in the morning everyday don’t forget it (as he winks and points his finger at me)
Me: (Laughing)–Yes that’s a great idea I should do that more often, I will try
L: I’m just saying maybe make it your ringtone, if you think about it
Me:(Laughing harder) –I can’t think of a better idea, thank you Leo that’s really nice of you to say you have made my day for sure
L:Yeeeeah, I like giving compliments to my teachers, makes me feel all warm and tingly kinda like under my ribs
Me: That’s an interesting reaction, I can see that you enjoy making people feel good, we are lucky to have you as our student I’m really gonna miss you next year
L: Yeah……(short silence)………I’ll come visit, hey did you know I’m really good at those “that’s what she said jokes?”
Me: Great but maybe those aren’t appropriate for school but I will look forward to your visits, but I really need you to focus and get back to work now
L: Easy peasey lemon squeezy
3 min of Silence he works on a couple questions and suddenly speaks up again
L: I like you
Me: laughing to the point now where I begin to cry THANK YOU L! Thank you so much for telling me that it really makes me feel good about being your teacher. (I have to take off my glasses and wipe my eyes)
L: Hey what does optimistic mean?
Me: It means having a good attitude, so if your are having a bad day you can think “tomorrow is gonna be much better”
L: Oooooh like you do??
Me: I try (laughing harder to the point I start coughing) to which Leo pats me on the back and says……
wait for it …….wait for it…… “GO AHEAD SISTA, LET IT ALLLLLLL OUT”
Me: L you rock!!!
L: Awwww Ms. A I’m flattered to get a compliment from a woman like you-Zing! right in the heart.
Later he proceeds to burp recalling the taste of chips from his lunch…..ahhhhhhh what more could I hope for today!!!! : )